Yellow Raincoat

15 | Confide

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"I be crushin' on you, baby. Stay the way you are...I kiss his fingertips as I'm wishing he's all mine...You are my moonlight...Baby, I be fallin'. You're my moonlight"

~ Moonlight (Dangerous Woman)

HANNAH

"I'm sorry, you did what?" Chloe asked, almost bewildered. She had paused eating her slice of cake and was staring at me with wide eyes.

We were catching up on episodes of Breaking Bad we'd neglected the past couple of days.

"Oh, come on. It's not that surprising," I replied defensively.

She put down her cake on the coffee table and scooted closer to where I was sitting on the couch. "Hannah, when did this happen?"

I shrugged dismissively. "Like a week ago."

Her eyes widened even more. "A week ago?" Her voice was louder now, and I started to feel guilty for leaving her out of the loop. "You didn't tell me anything."

Sighing, I nodded. "I know. I'm sorry. I think I was just embarrassed by how I handled everything after we kissed."

Her eyebrow arched. "What do you mean?"

"He asked for exclusivity after the kiss and I turned him down," I answered, looking down at my cake and over lightly moving pieces around with my fork.

She was quiet for a moment, surely digesting my words. "Was...the kiss that bad?"

That caught me off guard and I shook my head fast. "No, it was amazing," I took in a deep breath, a memory of the kiss flying to the forefront of my mind. "It took my breath away."

"Then," she began and then stopped, considering me for a moment. Her eyebrows were still furrowed. "Why did you not say yes?"

"I don't know. I freaked out when he asked. I thought it would be weird for us to be dating when I didn't trust him to know where I live or even for me to go into his place alone with him." I was rambling, but my words were true.

My words must have confused her further because Chloe's eyebrows wrinkled even more. "That's how you always are though. You sound like you regret your decision."

I ran my fingers through my hair and put my cake on the coffee table. "I don't know. I think so? I don't think I would care if he knew where I live now. I don't even think I would mind being alone with him in his house."

"What's holding you back, then?"

I took in a deep breath, trying to get my thoughts together coherently. "What if I think I'm ready and say yes, but then I freak out when we're together because I'm actually not ready to let him in like that? That would hurt him so much and I don't want that. At all." Tears welled in my eyes but didn't fall. Pushing my fingers through my hair again, I turned to catch her eyes.

"Oh, Hannah," she whispered, scooting a lot closer and putting her hand on mine that was resting on my knee. She squeezed, offering me comfort. "Have you told him about what happened in Freshman year? Maybe if he knew he would consider waiting until you're ready."

"He knows, I told him when we went on that hike," I took a deep breath. "Plus, after I blundered it after the kiss, I asked if he would wait for me. He said he would."