The Vow

5

It's already 9pm and andito ako sa tabing dagat.

Sila Kuya is nag-iinuman dun kasama yung iba naming pinsan. I do drink pero may asungot kasi doon eh.

I am just sitting on the sand while looking at the calmness of the ocean and the moon.

"Overthinking again?"

Napalingon ako sa nagsalita and it's Kuya Ashton. Umupo sya sa tabi ko at sinandal ko yung ulo ko sa balikat nya.

"What's inside my cousin's pretty mind?" Tanong nya.

"Did you know kung saan ko nakuha yung phobia ko sa dagat?"

"When you were 7? Sabi ni Tito yun nung nagswimming tayo nung nasa Australia pa kayo, nung kasal nila ni Tita Ella" sabi nya

"I was 5 back then. I wanted to go on a beach, like a vacation, so as the only daughter hindi nila ako na-resist, especially Daddy. We went to Palawan, and had a vacation there. Hindi ko pa alam noon na nagchicheat na si Mommy. Tapos Daddy was sleeping and I pulled Mom to swim sa dagat, kasi ligong ligo ako. So yun, nung una nasa sight ko pa sya, tapos the wave was too strong for a 5 year old to fight with, so unti unti akong nadala ng alon sa malalim na part and I never saw Mommy again, ayun pala pumunta sya sa may mga coconut tree to talk with her guy. Nalunod ako, good thing may nakakita sa akin na nalulunod and they saved me. That's the first time I saw Daddy burning in madness kay Mommy."

"Kahit naman ako sasabog sa galit. Anak ko muntikan malunod tapos pinabayaan ng nanay nya. Sasabog ako sa galit nun, baka makasakit pa ko"

"Tapos dinala ako agad sa malapit na hospital, then I started dreaming na may humihila sakin palalim ng dagat, and then I am waking up crying and screaming for help, tapos dun sinabi ng doctor na I got traumatized and I even develop a Thalassophobia. Galit na galit si Daddy. Pero sabi ni Mommy was because of work daw and she's really sorry. We believed that, until our last night in Palawan, I woke up around midnight, and I only saw Daddy in bed with me, hinanap ko si Mommy and I heard her from the balcony, nagsasabi sya ng words such as 'Uuwi naman na kami bukas', 'We will see each other again', 'I will stay in your house, and we will make love all night', gross, and the word 'I love you' which I never heard her say to Daddy again, but she managed to say it to someone else, instead of her husband. That night, alam ko na that Mommy is probably cheating, but, I stayed quiet, until now hindi alam ni Daddy yung mga narinig ko, I thought maaayos pa kasi mahal nila ako eh. But, no, her love for us, for me, has never been enough to fix our family. She chose other people rather than her daughter. Kaya masisisi niyo ba ko kung sobra sobra yung galit ko sa kanya? Since I was 5, hindi ko na na-experience piliin, nanay ko pa yung gumawa nun sakin. I regret being her daughter, minsan hinihiling ko na sana kay Mommy Ella nalang ako nanggaling"

"Hush, couz. It's all in the past, yung phobia mo, we will fix it. Hindi ka man kay Tita Ella nanggaling, nanay mo parin sya, she's your only Mom, ok? Your feelings are never invalid. Now, I understand kung bakit napakalaki ng galit mo, it's because you witnessed everything Tito Bernard never witnessed. We're always with you in this fight, hindi ka namin pababayaan. Hinding hindi ka nya makukuha samin"

"I won't let her too. Minsan nga napapaisip ako, may tao pa kaya bukod sa family ko ngayon na pipili sakin? My biological mom never chose me, mararanasan ko kayang piliin ulit? Or maybe never?"

"Couz, you're just 23. Marami pang pwedeng mangyari, darating din yung araw na ikaw naman yung pipiliin kung sinuman yung taong yun. Just go with the flow"

"Kuya Ash, I have anxiety. I was taking sessions in Australia, but, it stopped for a while kasi akala ko nagiging ok ako. But, I think it's coming back."

"Did you tell Hunter?"

"Not yet, natatakot ako. Baka kasi maaligaga na naman si Kuya, at baka ipriority nila ako kesa sa kasal nilang dalawa."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Napalingon kami sa biglang nagsalita.

"K-Kuya"

"Beka, bumabalik yung anxiety mo, why didn't you told me? Or Gigi? Ano Beka? Babalik ka na naman sa pagiging suicidal? You will give us fear of losing you again?"

"Kuya, it's not that. Natatakot lang ako"

"Couz, let's understand her. She's full of fear" sabi ni Kuya Ash at niyakap ako.

"Elijah is also a Psychiatrist. I will register you to him to take sessions, I want someone I trust, you understand me?"

May choice pa ba ako?

Tumango nalang ako and I felt Kuya hugged me.

"We're always with you whatever your battle is. You experienced enough at such a young age. Andito lang si Kuya, ha? Tell me everything, kung hindi sakin, kay Gigi. Beka, you have us, you're not alone"

"Thank you, Kuya" sabi ko at umiyak nalang. "I'm afraid"

"Don't be. If hindi ka pinili noon, ever since you became my little sister, ikaw na pinipili namin. This time, we will always choose you over anything in this world, ok?"

"Ikaw lang pipiliin namin, lahat kami, Belle Kasandra Leigh Cooper ang pipiliin kahit ano mangyari, alright couz?"

Tumango lang ako ng tumango sa sinasabi nila habang hawak ako ni Kuya.

"Please don't go back to your suicidal self again, sis. Hindi namin kakayanin kapag may nangyaring masama na naman sayo"

Iyak lang ako ng iyak habang yakap ako ni Kuya.

He treasured me so much, and I am so damn lucky to have a brother like him.

*******

Author's Note:

Thalassophobia po is an intense phobia or fear of large bodies of water such as ocean, sea, or large lakes. 😊