The Vow

8

"How was it so far?" Tanong ni Ate Gina.

She took me and Mommy out on a date today. Both of Ate Gina's parents passed away last year because of an accident.

"So far so good, I think" sabi ko at humigop sa frappe ko.

"Hey, you're gonna be fine, anak. We believe in you, you're our strong girl" sabi ni Mommy, and I just smiled.

It's been 3 months since I started my session, I also pleaded him to let me work while doing the session, mas mababaliw ako kapag sa bahay lang ako after every session. He also gave me his number para kapag daw may mga umatake na dreams or takot sa akin matawagan ko sya agad.

"Sabi ni Elijah kay Hunter, your anxiety wasn't caused by anger, it is caused by trauma. Don't worry, hindi nya sinabi sa amin what causes the trauma, akala lang nya is yung pagkalunod mo dati. Pero, I think it's deeper, mas may pinaghuhugutan, pero if you're not comfortable of saying it, hindi ka namin pipilitin, we don't wanna trigger it" sabi ni Ate Gina.

"Thank you, Ate. Soon, masasabi ko rin siguro lahat. For now, para akong nagbaback to zero. The pain, hatred, anger, sorrow, it's all coming back. Ayoko bumalik sa dating ako, natatakot din ako" sabi ko at hinayaan na tumulo yung mga luhang nagbabadya.

"Hush, anak. Hinding hindi ka babalik sa ganun, hindi namin hahayaan, kung kinakailangan matulog kami ng Daddy mo sa tabi mo, we will do it. Just, don't go back to where were you. Wag mong hayaan yung sarili mo na bumalik"

"Thank you, Mommy." Sabi ko at niyakap sya.

After namin mag-snacks, nagtingin tingin lang kami, since day-off ko rin naman ngayon. Pumasok kami sa isang bookstore, at nagtingin lang rin ako ng libro na pwede kong basahin, pampalipas oras kapag nakabreak ako sa clinic ko.

Bumili ako ng 3 books, at binayaran sa cashier.

"Ano binili mo?" Tanong ni Mommy

"Just some fiction books, pampalipas oras ko kapag nakabreak ako" sabi ko.

Nakabili narin ako sariling sasakyan, tinulungan ako nila Mommy at Daddy na bumili, gamit ko yung naipon ko.

After dun, nagshopping lang kami, at umuwi narin, tapos pag-uwi, nagbake kami. I know Elijah told them to keep me entertained and I appreciate them trying. 

We heard the front door opens at narinig namin boses ni Daddy at Kuya.

Napaisip ako bigla, Daddy has Mommy Ella, Kuya has Ate Gina, and I have no one.

Ang saya saya!

"I'll just take a shower" sabi ko at umakyat sa kwarto ko bago pa tumulo mga luha ko.

They have the love of their lives because they are complete and stable in all aspect, while me, I am financially stable, but mentally shattered. Magkakaroon rin kaya ako ng uuwian katulad nila? Yung taong tanggap ako kahit na ganito ako. Yung taong andyan lagi at handang umalalay sa akin.

Kapag ganito, feeling ko isa akong malaking sabit sa kanila, they have someone, while I have no one to call me mine. I have no one to tell me he loves me, heck! Will it even happen? I bet not! Walang lalaking magkakagusto sa tulad kong mentally unstable. I will grow old alone.

After ko magshower, nagbihis ako at humiga sa kama ko. Nakatingin lang ako sa clouds design ng ceiling ng room ko.

Will I ever be in the clouds while being happy? Will I ever find someone like Daddy and Kuya? Will I experience someone telling me how much he loves me? Will I experience someone going home to me?

Nakakapagod! Paulit ulit nalang ako sinasampal ng reality that no one will love me. Nakakapagod na maniwala sa sinasabi nila na darating din yung para sa akin soon. No, ayoko na maniwala kasi alam kong walang para sa akin. I will die alone.