The Vow

15

Pagdating namin dito sa beach resort na dati naming pinuntahan nung bata ko, biglang bumigat yung pakiramdam ko.

Bumaba na sila lahat kasi 3 van yung na-okupa namin. Lahat sila nakababa na ng van at napatingin sila lahat sakin na nakaupo parin dito sa loob habang tumitingin sa paligid.

"Beka" tawag nila sakin pero abala ako sa pagtingin sa paligid.

Panay lang ako buntong hininga.

"Anak, andito kami oh, tara na. Andito si Mommy, halika na anak" sabi ni Mommy.

Alanganin lang akong nakatingin sa kanilang lahat habang mabigat parin ang paghinga.

Yung mata ko lumibot sa mga naghihintay sakin na parang may comfort na hinahanap, hanggang sa magtama yung tingin namin ni Elijah.

I found comfort and security just by looking at him and that caring and genuine smile of him that he's only showing to me.

"Hold my hand" sabi nya and offered his hand to me

Ramdam ko yung panginginig ng kamay ko.

"Don't let your fears eat you. Mas malakas ka sa trauma mo, Beka. You can do it" sabi pa nya.

Unti unti kong inabot yung kamay nya at pinisil nya ng marahan yung kamay ko while smiling at me.

He's waiting for me to hop off the van, hindi nya ko hinihila, and just by his touch, he's making me feel that I have nothing to worry about because he's always beside me.

Unti unti kong inapak ang paa ko sa mabuhangin na semento ng driveway habang humihinga parin ng malalim. They are all just smiling at me comforting me.

"Great job. You did well" sabi ni Elijah and kissed my forehead

Tinignan ko lang ang palibot ng lugar, halos walang nagbago, nadagdagan lang ang mga resto at mga puno, pero ganun parin kaganda, but the memories here wasn't as good as the place.

Nakaalalay lang si Elijah sa akin, nakaakbay habang hawak hawak ang kamay ko habang naglalakad kami.

Napako ang tingin ko sa isang spot sa may buhanginan na medyo malayo sa amin at napatigil ako.

"Anak, bakit?" Tanong ni Daddy.

Napako lang ang tingin ko dun sa spot na yun.

"That's where I was before I got drowned" sabi ko at tinuro yung part na may bato na medyo malaki.

"Do you want to go there?" Tanong ni Elijah.

Napatingin ako sa kanya dahil sa tanong nya.

"Kung gusto mo puntahan yung spot na yun, ok lang naman Beka, that's a stepping stone on freeing yourself" rinig kong sabi ni Greg.

Gugustuhin ko pa nga bang umapak sa spot kung saan ako muntikang mawala sa mundo?

Gugustuhin ko pa nga bang iapak ang mga paa ko dun?

"Hey, you have me. I won't let go of this hand" he said and squeezed my hand lightly.

I know he is my comfort, but, I need to do this with the person I really want to be with during that time.

I smiled at him and let go of his hand.

"Daddy" tawag ko kay Dad.

"Let's go" sabi ni Daddy at hinawakan ang kamay ko.

Huminga ako ng malalim and I felt Elijah's hand on my back.

"You're strong, always remember that" sabi nya. I smiled at him kahit sobra akong ninenerbyos.

We made our way to that spot at mas lalong kumakabog yung dibdib ko.

"Anak, wag mong pilitin kung hindi mo kaya" sabi ni Daddy.

"I want to be free. If I need to face all my traumas, all the places I was traumatized, I will do it, Daddy. I want to be genuinely happy and free. If I need to face them, I will do it, for myself and for you"

"I'm so proud of you. Anak ka nga ni Daddy" sabi nya at niyakap ako.

Umapak ako sa same spot kung saan ako naglalaro noon, tinignan ko ang dagat na umaalon ng kalmado. Huminga ako ng malalim bago nagsalita. Daddy is still holding my hand

"I was here. I was playing here. I was even making sand castle, I favored Mom to help me because I want to show it to you when you wake up. Ever since I was a kid, I am indeed a daddy's girl. It was here, this is the spot I was happily playing and Mom just told me that other people will break my sand castle, I don't need to put an effort and she won't help me. I was so down, so I decided na yayain nalang sya magswimming because you're so tagal, I can't wait anymore for you to wake up because I know you're tired and I badly want to swim already. I pulled her hand but she dodged me, napaupo ako sa sand. She told me 'Magswimming ka na, babantayan kita' while she was busy with her phone. I did what she said, I trusted her na babantayan ako, and that's how it happened. At the age of 5 years old, I felt betrayed by my own mother. It's hard to admit but I never see guilt and worried while she was looking at me drowning, she just acted like she got nervous, pero wala talaga syang pake sakin. I even saw her before someone saved me, she was happily talking with someone on her phone, nagtama pa yung tingin namin but she didn't even budge" sabi ko at napaupo na sa kakaiyak.

"Anak, andito na si Daddy, I'm fully awake, do you want to build a sand castle?" He asked.

"I'm not a kid"

"So? Bata lang ba ang gumagawa ng sand castle? Aba, pwede din gumawa ang matatanda ah. I was so tired from work that time, so pwede bang ngayon bumawi si Daddy? Isama pa natin si Mommy mo at Kuya, let's build a sand castle altogether" sabi ni Daddy na lumuhod sa harapan ko. "Maraming pagkukulang si Daddy dahil sobrang busy ako noon sa trabaho. Yung mga panahon na masama yung karanasan mo kay Rina, pwede bang ngayon bumawi si Daddy? Yung mga panahon na gusto mong ako yung kasama mo imbis na si Rina, ilista mo yun. Gagawin natin yun isa isa, bilang pamilya. Papalitan natin yun lahat, anak. Babawi si Daddy anak. You deserve to be happy, at gagawin ko lahat lahat para sayo, para bumalik yung anak kong sobrang bibo at sobrang daldal na manang mana kay Daddy. Mahal na mahal kita anak, tatandaan mo lagi yan. Lahat ng takot sa puso mo, trauma mo at yang phobia mo, tatanggalin natin yan para makapamuhay ka ng normal at sobrang saya. Haharapin natin sila kapag handa ka na, andito si Daddy yayakapin ka kapag hindi mo na kaya"

"Daddy" sabi ko at yumakap nalang sa kanya habang umiiyak.

"You'll always be Daddy's only princess, ok? Sa ngayon, magbihis muna tayo, at gagawa tayo ng sand castle. Lahat ng gusto mo gawin dito sa resort, ilista mo, sabihin mo samin, gagawin natin lahat yun, sama sama tayo" sabi nya. "I love you anak, yun nalang pa-birthday ni Daddy sayo. Mahal na mahal kita, anak" dagdag nya at hinalikan ang noo ko.

Pinakalma nya ako at bumalik kami sa villa na inokupa namin, Family Villa ito, at may kainan sa labas ng mga pintuan ng rooms, andun sila hinihintay kami.