The Vow

11

I woke up at 4pm, panggabi kasi ako this week at mamayang 9pm pa pasok ko.

Nagbihis ako ng sports bra at leggings tapos nagrubber shoes din ako, magjajogging muna ako pampalipas oras.

I tied my hair into a ponytail at lumabas na, pagbaba ko wala sila Mommy at wala rin yung sasakyan ni Daddy, baka nasa restaurant sila.

Nagsimula na ako maglakad papunta sa park para magsimulang magjogging. Kada madadaanan ko, napapatingin sakin pero di ko nalang pinapansin.

Pinili ko rin magpanggabi para makaiwas ng tuluyan kay Elijah, alam ko kasi hindi sya nagpapanggabi, naririnig ko sa mga doctor na never nila nakitang nagpanggabi si Elijah, kaya nagpanggabi ako para di ko sya makita.

I started running around the park, pero syempre di ko mapigilang di mapatingin sa mga batang may kasamang magulang.

Naalala ko nung bata ako. Never sumama si Mom sa amin ni Daddy tuwing nasa park kami, even our family days became Daddy-Baby days. Si Daddy lang kasama ko lagi sa park every weekends, for me to play with the kids. Si Mommy even weekends umaalis sya, even birthdays ko lagi syang nalilate ng dating. She never had time for me, pero ngayon handa syang gawin lahat para sa half-brother ko.

Nakakainggit lang, I also got sick when I was a kid, I had fever, and I had asthma pero ok naman na, nagamot ako sa Australia, ginawa ni Mommy Ella and Daddy lahat para mawala yung asthma ko. But, when I was a kid, ang laging kasama ko kapag may sakit ako is si Daddy.

I smiled bitterly at my thought, everything in this world is making me reminisce of my painful past.

"Reminiscing again?"

Napalingon ako sa nagsalita and I saw Elijah.

"Excuse me?"

"Just by looking at you looking at those families, I know you're reminiscing again. What is it this time?"

"Nothing, I just realized that I was never loved by my biological mom since I was a kid, or maybe, I am not capable of love. This world is too tragic and unfair for me. I just wanna live, but, seems like I am not meant to live"

"You're breathing, meaning you are meant to live, maybe not for your mom, but, maybe for someone. Why do you keep saying na hindi ka capable of love? You are capable of it, you love your family. Masyado mong kinukulong yung sarili mo sa past. That's why sinasabi mo na hindi ka na maaayos, because you're not even helping yourself. Our sessions won't help you if you won't help yourself" sabi nya

"I am still caged by the past. Hindi niyo naiintindihan, hindi ganun kadaling kalimutan lahat o lumaya sa past ko. It's too painful for me, and the fact that I am seeing things na nagpapabalik sakin dun, I will never be free from that. Healing is a process, akala ko ba hindi minamadali yun?"

"Hindi yun minamadali, pero observation ko sayo? Wala kang progress. We've been taking sessions for 5 months, almost half a year, pero walang progress, the way you think and the way you reminisce things, andun ka parin eh. Maybe the suicidal thoughts are gone, pero yun lang, but, still, andun ka parin sa past. Hindi na maibabalik yun, you will live with that experience, it's up to you kung ikukulong mo sarili mo dun or you will accept it and move on. May pamilya ka na dapat mas pagtuunan mo ng pansin ngayon. May mga tao sa present mo na mas nangangailangan ng atensyon mo. May mga tao sa paligid mo na mas kailangan ka sa buhay nila ngayon"

"Like who?"

"Me" sabi nya.

Napatingin ako sa kanya sa gulat sa sinabi nya.

Him?

What does he mean by that?

"Yeah, you need me as a doctor in your hospital"