burning poems

seven

many things can make me happy, many things can make me smile.

like this moment right here.

family nights are my favorite. even beginning of a new month or last day of the month. I'm forever looking forward to this moment as we sat. just me and my little family having dinner in our home.

or at least it was suppose to be. Jesse bought this house for us when she found out I was pregnant but left only two weeks after when she found me being unloyal to her in our new bedroom.

the house just hunts me now. the memories and flashbacks of me touching me without permission in almost ever surface of this house.

no matter much I cry or scream. the never stops.

i should have known I can't befriend a male.

after her leaving, I spent months lonely when she disappeared. I deserved it though.

she didn't miss the birth of her own daughter which I'm really grateful of because I wouldn't be able to go through it alone.

she never wanted to her my apology or excuse.

not that I have one.

till this day she never asked anything or wanted to know anything, of course I want to sit down and talk about it but it was years ago now.

I don't want to bring up old wounds.

many things can make life wonderful, make it all seem so worthwhile.

but nothing like my precious little family.

I can't help but smile as I watch Jesse feed Nora as she dances in her seat, I'm so in love with my family.

"give some to mommy" Nora says as they eat bites of her nuggets. Jesse picks a piece to feed to me.

"they're so good baby" I tell Nora making her smile big.

But nothing makes me happier than the special friend I've found.

I feel myself start to slightly shake as my chest gets heavy, I cover it up with a smile when Jesse looks at me.

my leg starts to bounce as I feel myself sink into a anxiety attack, I force myself to take a few deep breathes as my fingers tap on the armrest while I try to pick up my cup.

"Nora baby, go to your playroom. go play for a bit, I will call you for ice cream" the little girl immediately runs off excitedly before Jesse comes near me.

"hey hey, deep breathes Billie" she tells me as she makes me lay on her chest to follow her breathing.

"deep breathes" I feel my shirt start to tighten making me shift trying to take it off.

I push her away as my ears start ringing making me cover them with my shaking hands, although I can faintly hear Jesse try to calm me down.

I feel so lightheaded.

but that's not bad. it feels good to worry about this rather than if Jesse might not want to see me again.

just taking my mind of it.

Life couldn't feel more wonderful whenever you're around.