burning poems

thirteen

Before I became strong, I knew what it was like
To be weak,
How difficult it is to love yourself,
To find the wholeness that you seek.

"mommy!" I feel Nora crash onto my leg making me laugh, I bend down to pick her up and hug her tightly.

"hi baby" I say tickling her stomach and kiss all over her face making her giggle, my heart swells at the sound of her laughter before I place a final kiss on her forehead.

"mommy missed you" I tell her as I fix her shirt, her small arms go around my neck again.

"I missed mommy" she says making me pout, I press a kiss on her forehead and glance over at Jesse watching us interact from her door.

I haven't seen my baby in two months, she's been staying with my mom and Jesse while I get myself together, going to therapy and moving to a smaller apartment.

I laugh as Nora starts rambling how much she missed me and sores she got from a bike Jesse apparently bought her.

Before I knew the light,
I have had my fair share of darkness, too,
Where my world fell into a hopelessness
And I didn't know how to get through.

For I have known the tears it takes,
The courage to stand up again,
When you are broken down and bruised
And you know nothing but the pain.

"hi" I say giving Jesse a smile, I place Nora down letting her run in the house and Jesse pulls me into a hug.

"hi, you look good" she says against my newly dyed black hair, her hand rubs up and down my back softly as my arms tighten around her torso.

"how are you?" she asks softly pulling away slightly and drops her hands in mine.

"I'm good, I'm really good" I tell her with a big genuine smile, "thank you, I don't think I would have taken the time to better myself if it wasn't for you" I tell her softly making her smile.

"you don't have to thank me, I missed you" she says scanning me from head to toe, "Jesus, you look beautiful" I can't help the blush at her words as I look away from her.

my body is no longer black and blue. I've picked up the gym as sort of a hobby and I love the outcome.

"thank you" I mumble looking down at my shoes and shuffle on them softly before looking up at her.

"uhm.. come on, I made breakfast" I smile giving her a nod, she drops one hand and leads us in the house where we found Nora stealing bites of the pancakes.

You forget to appreciate love,
If you haven't seen the hate,
Till you forget the meaning of smile and laughter,
And your heart is left abate.

"billie, you look so beautiful" my mom says giving me a big hug. for once in years I feel beautiful and believe it when I'm told I am beautiful.

"thank you mama" I say kissing her cheek and move along hugging everyone.

"I've missed you" I mumble against finneas's shoulder as he gives me a tight hug.

"I missed you too but I'm so proud of you bil, we were losing you" he says as he pulls away.

I turn around to look at everyone, "I'm sorry I worried you guys with the way I spiraled, I should have caught myself sooner. I am truly sorry and I want you to know that I'm much better now and planning on only getting better"

I smile softly when I feel Nora tuck my arm for me to pick her up, I bend down to lift her in my arms and give her a kiss on the cheek.

"don't worry about it billie, we're just glad you're good now" my dad says followed with nods from everyone, I feel Jesse wrap her arms her arms around Nora and I making me lean back into her.

I have known the strength and courage
It requires to get it right,
To face the things that hold you down
And hold your head up and fight.

I smile shyly as I catch Jesse staring at me from across the table, "what?" I ask with a big smile.

"nothing, you're just so beautiful" I blush at her words while bringing my head down to play with my food. I'm on my first date in years, with Jesse.

I feel her hand lift my chin up to look at her, "I said you look beautiful" she repeats making my eyes slightly widen at the tone of her voice.

"thank you" my words come out as a whisper making her chuckle while we slowly lean in.

she teasingly glances down at my lips and back to my eyes with a smirk while her hand keeps my head tilted up.

"Jesse, please kiss me" she submission on my voice makes her eyes flicker darker and she smiles slightly.

"what did you say?" I suppress the edge to roll my eyes knowing how much she loves being in control and dominate.

"please kiss me" I whisper out staring into her eyes. she leans in and presses her lips to mine making my eyes flutter shut as I sigh against her lips.

I feel all my nerves lift off my shoulders as I melt against her lips, she slightly smiles when I bite her lip a bit and pulls away to wipe underneath my lip while licking hers.

I lean in again to peck her lips before completely pulling away as blush creeps in on my face, I glance up at her to see her staring at me with a tiny smile making me blush again.

"I.. uh.. I really liked that" I tell her shyly refusing to meet her eyes, she chuckles and lifts my head.

"I really like it too"

Before I was who I am now,
I was someone I didn't want to be.
I was lost, battered, and defeated,
Before I knew how to be me!

poem by Insiya K. Patanwala.