burning poems

twelve

"fuck, I shouldn't be doing this" Jesse says stepping away and pushes me off gently, I press my lips into a thin line as I watch her panic.

"is it such a bad thing? do you think we can make it work?" I ask as I fiddle with my nails.

"yes, it would be a bad thing. Billie, you got shit you need to work out" she says frustrated with herself.

one thing lead to another and we somehow got to kiss before she snapped back. I am very disappointed but I understand.

I'm sorry you can't trust me
And won't ever let me in.
I'm sorry you don't believe in me
And that I could not win.

"I understand and I agree but Jesse, we can at least try. I really want to be with you and I'm sorry for the shit you've had to deal with, I'm sorry for breaking your trust, I'm sorry for a lot of things and all I'm asking you is to let me gain your trust, let me love you again please" I beg her.

"you never loved me" she says refusing to meet my eyes, "someone who loved me wouldn't have hurt me like that, you never loved me. you loved that I loved you with everything I had, you loved that you and your family are all I have, it made you think I wouldn't leave you"

my eyebrows furrow as I listen to her words, that's not true. I love Jesse. I love her on everything I am but it's a shame all she will see me as is a cheater and a whore.

she has seen more people come in and out of this house, probably more than she has thought one could get.

"I did love you and I do love you now, I just took you for granted and fucked up big time, I do still love you and I want to show you but I can't do that if you don't want to be within five feet from me" I tell her.

she keeps quiet refusing to meet my eyes, "if you love me, you will get help. go to therapy or whatever you need to do because I don't even recognize you anymore Billie. you use to be the most beautiful person I know" ouch.

I'm not going to pretend like that last part didn't hurt but she's right. I've let myself go, I don't even recognize myself. my hair is tangled and hasn't been combed in weeks.

I haven't showered in weeks.

I haven't solid food in days.

I'm a mess.

"I know and I will be working on myself but please wait for me, don't let go just yet" I ask her.

"I haven't let go within the past years billie" is all she says before turning around and leaves, the slam of the door causes me to jump a bit.

I take a look around the messy while wiping away my tears and down at my clothes before letting out a sigh while I start cleaning.

I will work on myself, not only for Jesse but for myself and daughter.

I want my family back.