burning poems

eleven

I remember how it used to be
when nothing else matter but you and me.
Music, country roads, and future dreams.
those were my favorite times.

"happy birthday baby" I say with a big grin as I pick up Nora, who was giggling, Jesse walks in the room with a smile as she watches us.

"you are a big girl now" she says gasping jokingly making Nora do the same with her big eyes wide open and her tiny hand over her mouth.

"I only four mama" she says shaking her head, "mommy is a big girl" she giggles making us laugh.

"yes, she is but you're also getting big soon you'll be big and taller than your short mommy" Jesse says wrapping her arms around us in a big hug.

my jaw drops offensively as I hit her stomach making her chuckle, I know how much she loves my height.

Jesse attacks Nora with kisses making her giggle and hide away in my neck. the sight makes my heartache.

I do wish I could desperately join them but it also warms my heart that we can have small family moments like this.

small family get togethers are my favorite.

"mommy wants a kiss though" Nora pouts kissing my cheek, Jesse chuckles and presses a firm kiss on my cheek making my eyes flatter shut just for that moment.

thinking about it. I've always been weak, insecure and easily manipulated.

and my whole relationship is proof of that.

cheating only shows how weak you are. if you're unhappy? leave, if you're bored? leave, if you're losing feelings? leave.

you're not supposed to stay while unhappy, bored, or losing feelings and cheating, only makes things worse. it will make you feel better temporarily while you're permanently ruining a bond of trust you have built with someone.

and that trust is something that will never come back around. if it does, it's never gonna be the same.

which is why I have mixed feelings about Jesse. I want to be with her again but if we do, it's never gonna be the same and that's for me to deal with. that's for me to fix.

I know that.

but I know that if it were to happen. it would be her heart wanted to give me that trust and benefit but her mind will never forget it.

I don't expect her to forget it.

i just don't want her to look at me and wonder if I am still on the same unfaithful actions I was on during our relationship.

it scares me.

cheating shows how you aren't capable of communicating and commitment and you don't know how to give someone loyalty, who has given it to you.

it shows that you want to be loved but you're unable to love someone back because nobody does that to someone they love.

I loved Jesse though, I love Jesse. I was just insecure and unhappy with myself.

that is how I ended up with nothing because I thought I could find something better and wanted more than I already had, but ive forgotten that everything I need is right in front of me.

but when the realization hit me. it was too late, I actually cheated myself on having a good happy family.

I played myself.

now I gotta deal with it and help myself up because nobody will do it for me.