My Own Worst Enemy

No Promises

A/N: it's... been a while. Not promising anything here, but the writing bug struck!

She was right. She didn't sleep. She just needed time...  for so long she didn't think she'd ever been in as much pain as after the accident. And then she woke up remembering every way Christian destroyed her.

She shouldn't have taken him back after Elliott was born; Christian had made his intentions known from the second she told him she was pregnant. She should've known that they wouldn't change as quickly as they did. She was so fucking stupid.

She worked so incredibly hard to ensure that Elliott had what he needed. That they had everything they needed to get by. She sacrificed so many meals so that Elliott would have what he needed. Just for Christian Yelich to come in like nothing happened and erase it all. It made her sick.

Gracie looked over at her phone, reading the time as it flashed across the screen.

3:47. She couldn't fake sleeping any more. She just hoped that Christian was. She needed to leave.

***

Grace quietly tip-toed to Elliott's nursery, grabbing her son and holding him as close as possible. She just needed air. Away from the sterility of Christian Yelich's condo.

"You're leaving."

The heavy voice chased her to flinch and turn, anger and pain filling her when she saw him and his stupid tears.

"I need air. I'm not going to abandon my family. I'm not you," she knew that it was too much, that it was a low blow. But she was feeling so many things; he could deal with a kick to the gut.

"I deserved that," Gracie could hear the pain in his voice. She knew that he did have some feelings, but she also knew they'd go away tomorrow. That always seemed to be the cycle. She'd be mildly inconvenient and then she'd be dropped like a foul pop.

"We'll be back later. I need out of here. I need to remember that I can't love you. That I can't let myself be happy here. I need to remember the hurt," she whispered, flinching away from the desperate hand gravitating to her waist.

The flinch reminded her that she nearly died less than a month ago.

"I can't let you drive, Gracie," he whispered, concern clear in his eyes.

"You have a game tomorrow. I'll be fine," she said quietly, moving away from him and carrying Elliott to his car seat. She was terrified to drive. To put Elliott in danger again...  but no one would be on the streets. She'd just be going around the corner to the lake. She'd go slow.

***

Grace found herself shivering, making sure Elliott was still sleeping soundly and wrapped in his blanket. The waves crashing against the rocks brought her some amount of peace as the memories kept crashing back. Their time in Minneapolis. The way he cared for her from the second they bumped into each other. The way he never once mentioned her size. How he made fireworks go off with every loving touch.

And then how he hurt her. How he went straight back to a skinny model. How he left them four days after she gave birth to El, and went to that model. How he fucked that model. How she couldn't even keep him happy for two lousy days before he was ready to be somewhere else. 

And that's when the tears started. She wanted nothing more than to be who he wanted. To be enough without losing 100 pounds. To be beautiful enough to take up space on his Instagram feed. She just wanted to be loved by the man she's given everything to.

"You're gonna freeze," the deep voice jolted her again and she desperately tried to wipe her eyes. "Gracie, please. Come home."

Gracie closed her eyes and looked down, sobs finally escaping. The pain was overwhelming, both physically and emotionally. "Will I ever be enough?" She whispered, her eyes glittering green, like they always were when she was sad.

"Grace. You are so much more than enough. I'm just... I'm scared. I'm so scared because I've never loved someone," he whispered. "And then there was you. And I went from not knowing you to needing you in the span of a weekend. It was so fast. And then Minneapolis... and you were pregnant. I was scared. I'm a coward, Gracie. I was so scared."

Grace shook her head, scooting away. "You left me. You only care about me when I am close to dying, Christian. You need to figure it out. And I can't let myself get hurt again," she whispered. God, it hurt. It hurt for her to say it out loud.

"I know. I know Gracie. Please. Please give me a chance?"  Christian knew it was a shot in the dark. He knew he didn't deserve it.

"It has to be longer than 4 days. He's starting to bond to people. He knows who you are. I don't give half a shit if you don't want me anymore. I figured I'm not who your brand wants. But he deserves better than a father who only loves him when it's hidden."

That hurt. Christian loved Elliott, but he knew Gracie was right. He deserved better.

"You're right. I promise, Grace. I won't hurt you, I pro-" Grace cut him off.

"Stop. Don't promise something like that. Just... do better," Grace said carefully, her eyes closing as exhaustion and pain ran over her.

"Can I take you home? You skipped your last round of meds and you haven't slept," Christian begged, terrified that she'll hurt herself even further.

Grace hooded and carefully got up, trying to hide the pain she was in.

"Please don't leave?" She begged as Christian tucked her in, helping her swallow the handful of pills she needed.

"Never," he whispered, kissing the top of her head. He would go to the ends of the earth to be better.

She and Elliott deserved it.