"Bring out your dead!"
"Here's one.", a man says, who approaches with a body hanging over his shoulder.
"Nine pence.", the dead collector says.
"I'm not dead!", the person, who's supposed to be dead, says.
"What?"
The dead collector thought he...
There's chaos in the village, because the residentshave found a witch. "A witch! A witch!" "We've found a witch!", a man shouts. "We've got a witch!", a woman shouts. "Burn her!", the villagers shout. The woman accused of being a witch is drawn by the crowd. She wears a sharp nose, probably put on by the people themselves. She tries to tear herself away from the villagers, but because of the many inhabitants she doesn't stand a chance. Men, women, even children are shouting and laughing. They pull her to a square where every villager gathers. A platform is set up against a wall, on one side of the square. On the platform there's a man, who wears a hauberk and a blue and white tunic. The helmet he wears is actually way too big and he is holding a white pigeon. A rope is attached to the left foot of the pigeon, with a hanging coconut on it. The man is the village decider on whether she is a witch and what the solution is. He opens his helmet from the bottom up and holds it so it doesn't snap shut.
"We have found a witch. May we burn her?", a villager asks. "Burn her! Burn! Burn her!", the crowd shouts. "How do you know she is a witch?", the decision maker asks. "She looks like one.", another villager says. The villagers start shouting and screaming again. The decision maker looks around and raises his hand so everyone knows they have to stop screaming. "Bring her forward." A few people push her forward. "I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.", the woman says. "Uh, but you are dressed as one." "They dressed me up like this." "We didn't!" "And this isn't my nose. It's a false one." The man in blue and white furrows his eyebrows. He gently grabs the fake nose and tilts it up slightly. Then he let it go and looks at the crowd "Well?", he asks. "Well, we did do the nose.", one of the villagers says. "The nose?" "And the hat, but she is a witch!" "Burn her!", someone screams. "Did you dress her up like this?", the decision maker asks.
The villagers look away and remain silent for a moment. But then someone dares to say something. "No!" "No. No.", a few others say. "Yes. Yeah, a bit.", everyone says. "She has got a wart.", another one says and points at her face. "What makes you think she is a witch?" "Well, she turned me into a newt." "A newt?", the man asks in amazement and he looks at him from head to toe. The crowd is silent for the first time in ten minutes. The man who had apparently turned into a newt looks suspiciously at the ground and then back at the decision maker. With a soft voice he says: "I got better." "Burn her anyway!", one of the people starts again and with that the crowd follows.
"Burn her! Burn her! Burn her!" Arthur and Patsy approach and keep watching from a distance. "Quiet! Quiet!', the decision maker says, 'There are ways of telling whether she is a witch." "Are there? What are they? Tell us!..." "Do they hurt?" The man, who is still holding his helmet open, leans forward slightly. "Tell me. What do you do with witches?" "Burn!", the crowd shouts. "And what do you burn apart from witches?" "More witches!", someone screams. Someone behind him gives him a short push and the other looks behind him at the one who pushed him. The one who did it, shakes his head. "Wood!", a man next to them says. "So, why do witches burn?", the decision maker asks. It's quiet for a few seconds, because the villagers aren't that smart as they think. So, they need some time to come up with the answer. "B...'cause they're made of...wood?" "Good."
The man who knew the answer smiles proudly, while a few people around him pat him on the back. "So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?", the man in blue asks. "Build a bridge out of her." "Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?" "Oh, yeah. True." "Does wood sink in water?" "No, it floats! Throw her into the pond!" All the villagers yell and scream again and some push and pull the witch back and forth. The man in blue and white raises and lowers his hand. When the residents are quiet again after a while, he continues. "What also floats in water?" "Bread!" "Apples!" "Uh, very small rocks!" "Cider!" "Uh, gra--gravy!" "Cherries!" "Mud!" "Uh, churches! Churches!" "Lead! Lead!"
"A duck!", Arthur says. Everyone is immediately silent and they all look at Arthur. "Exactly. So logically...", the man in blue says. He turns to the villagers again. A few people are still looking at the king, who came out of nowhere. "If... she... weighs... the same as a duck,... She's made of wood.", a resident says. "And therefore?" They think... "A witch!", the crowd shouts. "Very good. We shall use my largest scales.", the decision maker says and he jumps off the platform. With the people following him, he leads the way to the scales. One of the people is carrying a duck. The duck is put on one side of the scale and the woman on the other. When everything is ready, the man in blue says: "Right. Remove the supports!" Two people hit the planks, that is holding the scale on his place, with two big hammers. The scales start to move. First, the scale with the woman goes down, but then it goes up again until the two scales hang evenly.
"A witch! A witch!" "It's a fair cop.", the woman says. They pull her off the scale and take her away away. The decision maker walks to Arthur. "Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?" "I am Arthur, King of the Britons." "My liege." He lets go of his helmet visor, which immediately falls down and kniels before the king. "Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to Camelot and join us at the Round Table?" The man looks at Arthur and lifts his helmet viser. "My liege! I would be honored." "What is you name?", Arthur asks. "Bedevere, my liege." Arthur grabs his sword and pulls it out of its scabbard. "Then I dub you 'Sir Bedevere, Knight of the Round Table'." Arthur carefully taps Bedevere on his shoulders with his sword.
The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir Lancelot the Brave, Sir Galahad the Pure and Sir Robin, the-not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot, who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill, and the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-story. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries: The Knights of the Round Table.
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