"Bring out your dead!"
"Here's one.", a man says, who approaches with a body hanging over his shoulder.
"Nine pence.", the dead collector says.
"I'm not dead!", the person, who's supposed to be dead, says.
"What?"
The dead collector thought he...
Arthur and his knights of the round table are on their way. They're riding through the wilderness. Each knight has a squire. The servants run after the brave knights and each of them has two coconuts. Just like Patsy they're banging them together. Sir Bedevere holds his helmet visor open with one hand. "And that, my liege, is how we know the earth to be banana- shaped.", Sir Bedevere says. "This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes." "Oh, certainly, sir." "Look, my liege!", Lancelot says and he points at a castle in the distance. "Camelot!", Arthur says. "Camelot!", Sir Galahad says. "Camelot!", Sir Lancelot says. "It's only a model.", Patsy says. "Shh!" Arthur turns around and looks at him, then he looks at the knights. "Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride... to... Camelot!"
"Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.", Arthur says. "Right.", the knights say. They turn around and continue riding. After riding for a while, Arthur and his knights hear a loud noise coming from the air. Someone calls out the name of the king. "Arthur!" They look up. "Arthur, King of the Britons!" God shows himself and looks down from heaven. Arthur, Sir Bedevere, Sir Lancelot, Sir Galahad and Sir Robin quickly sink to the ground and bow before Almighty God.
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"Oh, don't grovel! One thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.", God says. They quickly get up. "Sorry.", Arthur says. "And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'sorry this' and 'forgive me that' and 'I'm not worthy." The knights try to avoid eye contact with the Almighty by looking down and keeping their hands for their eyes. "What are you doing now?!" "I'm averting my eyes, O Lord." "Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms--they're so depressing. Now, knock it off!" "Yes, lord." "Right! Arthur, King of the Britons, your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times." "Good idea, O Lord!" "Course it's a good idea! Behold!" In the clouds where they first saw the Almighty God, now a golden grail appears. The bright sunlight reflects off the beautiful grail.
"Arthur, this is the Holy Grail.", God says. The knights of the Round Table look at each other. "Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this grail." The Holy Grail vanishes and the Almighty God appears again. "That is your purpose, Arthur: the quest for the Holy Grail." God disappears and the clouds close like curtains. "A blessing! A blessing from the Lord!", Sir Lancelot says. "God be praised!", Sir Galahad says.
They were honored with the appearance of God and as told they begin their quest for the Holy Grail. They all gallop through the landscape with no idea where they would end up. They only know that they must find the grail, but they do not know where and what to do with it afterwards. After a few hours they arrive at a castle. "Halt!", Arthur shouts and he raises his hand. The knights line up next to him. Bedevere and Robin to his right and Lancelot and Galahad to his left. The squires gather behind the knights. One of them lifts up his horn and blows. Even though there's not much of a sound, it is yet heard. "Hello!", Arthur shouts upwards. Still nothing... "Hello!" One guard emerges above the wall.
"Allo! Who is eet?", he asks with a French accent. "It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?" "This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard." "Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest." The Frenchman looks surprised. "If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail." "Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see." Arthur frowns his eyebrows. "What?" "He says they've already got one!", Galahad says. "Are you sure he's got one?", Arthur asks. "Oh, yes. It's very nice-a." The Frenchman looks at the other three guards who are hiding and listening behind the wall next to him. "I told him we already got one." The others laugh. "Well, uh-- um, can we come up and have a look?", Arthur asks. "Of course not! You are English types-a!" "Well, what are you, then?" "I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a?!" "What are you doing in England?", Galahad asks. "Mind your own business!", the Frenchman shouts back. Arthur finds it strange that they are not allowed to ask that.
"If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!", Arthur threatens. "You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnnigghts! Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!", the guard spits. He hits the top of his helmet with his hands and sticks his tongue out. The next moment he puts his hands to his ears and makes a weird face. "What a strange person.", Galahad says. "Now look here, my good man...", Arthur begins, but the guard interrupts him. "I don't wanna to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!" "Is there someone else up there we could talk to?", Galahad asks. "No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a!" Arthur and Galahad look at each other for a moment. "Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.", Arthur says.
"Fetchez la vache!", the Frenchman says to the other French guards next to him. "Quoi?", one of the three guards says. "Fetchez la vache!" "If you do not agree to my commands,' Arthur continues, 'then I shall..." Suddenly a cow is launched into the air. He flies towards Arthur and his knights. "Jesus Christ!", Arthur shouts. "Christ!" The cow lands on one of the squires. The Frenchman laughs viciously, without a sound, with his mouth open. "Right!", Arthur shouts and they draw their swords. "Charge!" They run to the castle and the Frenchmen continue to launch animals at them: a deer, a chicken, a goose, a cat... "Hey, this one is for your mother! There you go.", the guard says. Arthur and Bedevere cover their heads and Lancelot and Galahad strike the wall with their swords. "And this one's for your dad!" "Run away!", clamours Arthur. "Run away!", the others shout. They start running down the hill. Lancelot still hits the wall with his sword. He had not realized that they were already on the run. He quickly turns around and starts running too. They take cover behind a hill by lying on the ground. "Fiends! I'll tear them apart!", Lancelot says and he is about to get up to run back to the castle. "No, no. No, no." Arthur stops him. "Sir! I have a plan, sir.", Bedevere says.
