The Loving Silence

Chapter 26

"How's he doing?"

"He's alive." Luca put his head in his hands and sighed deeply. "I know I should be happy about that, and don't get me wrong: I am so, so glad that he's okay, but I..."

"Go on." Jules pulled out a chair and sat down opposite him.

"I can't— I, I don't know if I can do this, deal with this. Too much has happened in what feels like no time at all and I just... It's too much, okay? I don't know that I am strong enough for this. He and I spent time together, talking and bonding over our shared experiences, and it was amazing. It really was. But then the kidnapping happened, and he almost died and now, I just..."

"You haven't been to see him?"

Luca shook his head, unable to meet Jules' gaze, fearing his friend's judgement. He could barely face himself right now, that's how bad he felt.

"But he's awake, isn't he?"

"I don't know. I think so. Honestly, I have been too scared to ask. I did try going back to see him, but I kept imagining that moment with the doctors and nurses and I completely froze. I couldn't take another step. I didn't even make it to the same floor. As soon the elevator passed the tenth, I pressed the button to go back the first floor. I completely lost it. I just continued to press that button until I was back on the first floor. The elevator wasn't empty either, and everyone in it were on their way up. I am sure they protested to my frantic behaviour, but I must've shut them out. As soon as the doors opened, I bolted." He groaned loudly. "Man, I am such a coward."

Jules large hand squeezed his shoulder. "Look at me. You seem to have lost all your confidence since you met this guy. Remember who you are. What you've been through—"

"I know what I've been through, okay?" Luca snapped and shook him off. He got up so quickly that the chair clammered to the floor. "Just because you knew me back then doesn't mean that you can bring up our childhood and use it against me."

"Calm. Down. Now." Jules applied firm pressure to Luca's Yin Tang, an acupressure point right in between his eyebrows, forcing him to relax. He didn't let go until he could see he was beginning to calm down. Luca did not object. It wasn't the first time he'd had to do that. It was practically their routine when they were younger.

"You are worried about your friend and because of that, you're not thinking rationally. You are not acting like yourself right now." Jules mumbled almost to himself, as if he was trying to convince himself Luca didn't mean to snap at him. "Look, I know that we didn't see each other for years, but do you honestly believe I could have changed that much? That I am now the kind of person that would hold your past over your head while you're going through a tough time? That I'd be that eager to kick you while you're down? If so, then maybe I should be the one to walk out of your life this time." He spoke calmly, quietly, giving nothing away until the very end. But he couldn't stop his voice from breaking when the topic of ending their friendship came up. Even if it was in fact he who brought it up.

Jules walked to the door and placed his hand on the handle. He turned it, but couldn't bring himself to actually open the door. Instead he just stood there for a moment, trying to decide what to do. Part of him wanted to storm out of there, but another part of him, one that was much more difficult to ignore, wanted to walk back to Luca and just talk and hug it out. Settling for neither, he turned his head a little in Luca's direction. Not enough to see his face, for he couldn't bring himself to look at him or his resolve would falter, but enough that Luca would notice he was addressing him.

"Luce... for what it's worth, I think you should go to see your friend. What I was trying to say earlier... I meant to tell you to not let history repeat itself, okay? Just like back when we were kids, you keep forgetting how strong you are. You only remember what you didn't do, what you couldn't. But Luce, you were a kid. It was not your job to fix anything back then and there was nothing you could've done. If your friend hadn't made it," he could feel Luca flinch even if he didn't see it, "that wouldn't have been on you either. But he did make it, and after everything you told me he's been through, he needs your support right now. You may not have known each other long, but we both know that how much time has passed doesn't matter one bit when you care about someone. You need to see him. See him sitting there alive, breathing, talking - for your sake as much as for his."