Captivating Flower

32

TW: self-harm

1 week had passed but I'm still bothered by what I've heard. My parents are still not saying anything to me. Parang walang nangyari. Akala nila hindi ko sila naririnig tuwing gabi na nag-aaway. 

Dinig na dinig ko kung paano sila magsigawan. I can also hear some things that were crashed. Hindi ko alam kung nagpipisikalan na ba sila. Hindi lang isang beses nangyari 'yon, every night. 

I feel traumatized now. Tuwing may mababasag na gamit kahit nasaan ako, natatakot ako. Kinakabahan ako bigla. My hands will suddenly shake. I can't even breath properly. 

Late na akong nakapasok sa school ngayon dahil iyak ako nang iyak kagabi. Napuyat ako. Masakit din ang mata ko. I didn't notice the time. 

Pagdating ko sa room ay napagalitan agad ako. It was my first time to be late in class. Pag-angat ko ng tingin kay Isabella ay mukhang naaawa siya sa 'kin. I only give her a small smile then go to my seat. 

"Ms. Solace! Kanina pa kita tinatawag." I felt so embarrassed when my prof shouted. I stood up and answered his question. Mabuti nalang at madali lang ang tanong. He looks so disappointed in me. 

I'm disappointed in myself too.

After our class, matamlay akong lumabas sa room. Hindi ko namalayan na kasunod ko na pala si Isabella. Tinapik niya ang braso ko. 

"Are you okay, Thea? May problem ka ba? You know, you can always open up to me." 

"I'm fine, Bella. Stress lang. Malapit na midterms." She looks not convinced. 

Pagbaba namin ay nakasalubong namin sila Jake and Ryle. Hindi pa man din ako nakakalapit kay Jake ay niyakap niya na agad ako. Para bang ilang taon kaming nagkahiwalay. 

"How are you, mahal? Are you okay?" 

I could feel my tears already but I stopped myself from crying. Ayokong palagi nalang umiiyak sa harapan ni Jake. 

"I'm very fine, love. I just feel so tired these days." I answered him while we were walking to the cafeteria. 

"Pag-uwi mo, rest agad ha? Don't stress yourself, mahal." 

I nodded to him. 

Ryle and Isabella was the one who ordered. Kami ni Jake ay naka-upo lang habang hinihintay sila. He's talkative today and I'm happy with that. He look so cute while talking. 

Habang nasa kalagitnaan ako ng pakikinig kay Jake, may biglang nabasag na kung ano. I frozed. My hands that is on the table started shaking. I could feel my tears already. 

Gulat na napatingin sa 'kin si Jake. Kaagad niya akong nilapitan at tinabihan. 

"Hey, hey, mahal," he held my hand. 

"It's okay, I'm here. Stop crying, I'm just here, mahal." 

Unti-unting nawala ang panginginig ng kamay ko. Jake wiped my tears. He kissed my head repeatedly like he was trying to calm me by doing that. 

"I-i'm okay now, love." 

"What happened? Why did you suddenly freeze? Is there any problem? Please say it to me, mahal." He asked worriedly. 

"No, It's just I was shocked." 

"It's... it was not normal, mahal. I'm begging you, say your problems to me, okay?" 

I just nodded. I can't say all my problems to you, Jake. I'm so scared to open up and I don't know why. 

Hinatid ako ni Jake sa bahay namin. Before he drove away, nagbilin pa siya na tawagan ko daw siya pag-uwi. Walang salita na lumalabas sa bibig ko. Tumatango lang ako sa kaniya. 

When I'm finally inside the house, I started to shake again. Fuck, why is this happening to me? Tuwing tatapak ako sa bahay, feeling ko hindi na 'to yung dati kong inuuwian. Ibang-iba na sa dati. 

I have the courage to still walk. Wala pa man ako sa kwarto ay narinig ko nanaman ang sigawan ng parents ko. That was the cue for me to run inside my room. I heard loud crashes of objects. I can hear their screams. I can hear my mom crying. 

Napasandal nalang ako sa pinto at kusang dumausdos ang katawan. I was holding my heart because it feel so heavy. I covered my ears. Hindi ako mapakali. 

I stood up and go to my bathroom. Sinara ko ang pintuan at ni-lock. I looked in the mirror and I saw myself looking like hell. Hindi na ako 'to. Hindi na ito yung dating ako. 

My tears continued flowing. When I look to the right, I saw a blade. 

Nanginginig ang kamay ko nang kinuha ko 'to. I tried to hold my tears but it was just continue falling. 

Dahan-dahan kong tinapat ang blade sa palapulsuhan ko. I bit myself when blood suddely flow. I looked in the mirror while doing it many times. Wala akong nararamdaman na kahit anong sakit. I feel numb. 

Doon lang ako natauhan nang muntik ko na mapatay ang sarili ko. Napaluhod ako at nabitawan ko ang blade na hawak ko. I started crying again and again. 

When I already stopped crying, I took a bath. While fixing myself, my eyesight suddenly goes to my wrist. Puro hiwa. Puro sugat. 

Pinatay ko na lahat ng ilaw. Hindi ako kumain dahil hindi ako gutom. Simula kaninang umaga ay wala pa din akong kinakain. 

I also forgot to call Jake. I was so tired to do that. Tuluyan na akong nilamon ng antok. 

Kinabukasan ay hindi late nagising. Konti lang ang tulog ko kaya ang laki ng eyebags ko. Pinatungan ko nalang ng concealer para hindi masyadong halata. 

Habang nagsu-suot ako ng uniform, nakita ko muli ang ginawa ko kagabi. Paniguradong magtatanong sila kung anong nangyari sa wrist ko. I decided to wear hoodie kahit mainit para lang matakpan. 

I want to walk today. Maaga pa naman. Maglalkad lakad nalang muna ako. 

I saw lots of kids outside. They were so happy. Ano kaya ang mararamdaman nila kung isa sa kanila ay ampon lang pala? Matutulad kaya sila sa 'kin na araw-araw at gabi-gabi nalang umiiyak? 

Am I selfishly feeling like this? Sobrang selfish ko ba kung palagi nalang yung feelings ko ang inaalala ko? 

I stopped walking when a little girl stood up in front of me. 

"Hi po, ate! You look sad po. Here, flowers for you po. I hope mapasaya kita. Bye po!" 

Hindi pa man din ako nakakapagsalita ay tumakbo na siya paalis. I looked at the flower that she gave me. A little smile crepped on my face. Itatago ko 'to. She just made my day.