Cigarette under moonlight (bxb)

16

A/N- so Rav is talking about some triggering things here like hurting himself and all so yeah. If you feel uncomfortable, skip those lines.

Sometimes I imagine myself falling from a great height, I imagine the wind hitting my face, feeling the harmony of nature and then I land on the ground, my face crushed down, blood gushing out of every part. I see myself slowly fade away, that gives me peace. I have other scenarios too, cutting myself in my elegant bathtub, beating myself to death and so on. This might sound dreadful to you but I like it. It's because I can't do anything to myself anymore I like to imagine hurting myself. There is this contentment in that, seeing that blood come out. I use to cut myself, but then Nick found out and threw my things, I can buy them again but he made me promise and he was very serious. And scary.

It's a coping mechanism for me, if I don't do something to hurt myself the creature inside me keeps on eating me. It haunts me until I give it something. I'd like to have a broken wrist and then have that creature laugh at me and look down on me. I know this might sound like total madness but in my brain, this sounds about good. I remember having this conversation with Nick.

"What if I do this to myself? Would you like that?" He asks me, I flinch at his words, I can't imagine him doing that to himself, I won't let it happen.

"It's different with you, you don't deserve that-"

"And so do you! You don't deserve any harshness, no one does." He is looking at me with pity. Or maybe sympathy, whatever that look is I don't want it. That poor look, makes me look vulnerable and weak. It's hard to explain to people why I do this because they don't like my reason, it's simply because I deserve it. But no one is satisfied with that, they need something more and if I give something more then they'd want to know the whole story. I don't think I can afford that if I tell them everything then they'll leave. So I do what they expect me to do, I promise them things that I will never do again, and tell them what is wrong. But deep down we all know it's fake.

If I say that I like when people give me sympathy, will that make me a strange person? Sympathy almost feels like care, it's a lot better than their hate. Once you show a few sides of yourself you try to hide, the venerable part, people treat you gently. It makes me feel loved. I feel so embarrassed to admit it but I like it, even if just for a moment, it feels surreal. My anxiety makes it hard for me to approach people and I think it's the reason why I get attached easily, sometimes to the wrong people. People who say that they'll never leave you and will be forever together, that they understand you but in reality it's bullshit.

I've met those people, who say that you will be stuck with them but eventually, they realise how messed up you are and leave, but can you blame them? Hell, even I won't be friends with myself. Kanishk never left me. Even when I was rude to him, hurt him, and insulted him, he stayed throughout that. At times I feel so much love for him that it feels like I will explode. He is the best thing that happened to him, I said that once to Dev and he didn't talk to me for two days as he was mad it wasn't him. I've met a few people who left but I'm so glad to have these two people who never leave. I don't know what they see in me, but I'm glad they stayed.

Dev and nick and sleeping in my bed even tho there is enough room in the house, we three are still sleeping in this tiny bed, all mushed up. After Dev kissed Nick, on the cheeks, thank God for that as I said I was not drunk for that kind of thing to happen. But if I admit that was kinda cute, especially when both of them blushing. We ate ice cream and talked for a bit which Nick "accidentally" told Dev about me kissing Nikum.

"You kissed him? Why didn't you tell me?", I glared at nick, I will kill him.

"Yeah well, I'm an adult I can kiss people", I realise how stupid that was, " n-not saying that adults can kiss everyone but like you know- I don't know" I sigh loudly. Dev asks me when that happened and I tell him, obviously leaving all the details.

"WAIT! SO WERE YOU TWO MAKING OUT WHEN I RANGED THE BELL? OH GOD, IS THAT WHY YOU LOOKED SO STARTLED AND RED?", I have no idea what to say, I just nod and smile.

"Wait", Nick says looking furious, my man has so many moods, " was that you who interrupted their beautiful moment, this guy" he points at me, "was waiting for that moment to happen for ten thousand years and you just ruined it? And for what?" He is looking at Dev with so much anger that even he is scared now. Dev looks at me for support but I just shrug.

"Well I was hungry," he says in a small voice.

"HUNG- oh well I can understand that, I would stop someone from having sex and ask them to give me food if I'm hungry"