The Tangent Lines

Chapter 24 - Look who finally goes home after saving the entire Manhattan

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I think she was afraid to love sometimes. I think it scared her. She was the type to like things that were concrete, like the ocean. Something you could point to and know what it was. I think that's why she always struggled with God. And I think that's why she also struggled with love. She couldn't touch it. She couldn't hold on to it and make sure it never changed.

-Carrie Ryan, The Dead-Tossed Waves

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Chapter 24 - Look who finally goes home after saving the entire Manhattan

It's been a week since I slept on his arms on the lake house. Needless to say, I'm kind of avoiding him since then.

I don't know what's gotten into my blood system that I asked him to stay. I didn't even protest when he pulled me closer. Not because I was too tired, but because it felt somewhat comfortable and right. His warm body and that lingering scent kept pulling me and just like I was under his spell, I just slept on his chest. I know for well I was not drunk or drugged. It was just a spur of a moment thing. But the weirdest thing is that I'm overthinking it. What's wrong with me?

I have never slept with someone on my bed except Chris. Chris had been kind enough to accompany me during weekends to ease my nightmare, and it all ended up one year ago because I couldn't disturb his sleep, right? And he is my stepbrother, not a guy that I categorize as good friend and is a playboy of the school. Oh, and the guy I can't stop thinking about in my mind.

Damn, the line is really blurring now.

Sometimes all I think was how Tyler thought about this too. Of course it would not be a problem to him... He has slept with goddamn awful amount of girls and even had sex with them. It is common to him.

I still remembered his cinnamon scent, his strong arms that hold me tightly that night. Or his kiss on my forehead when he got out from my room. I know that because he unconsciously woke me up. It was like a butterfly's kiss, so soft yet light. But it's enough to make me feel all monster on my stomach and importantly, my mind. Damn, I literally slept with him. And it really makes me all feeling weird and defensive about everything.

My nightmare didn't come that night, surprisingly as it seems, although it came back every night since then. But I was grateful because I would not want to sleep-talk while with him. It would be so embarrassing and childish. I wished I was not crazy enough to ask him to stay that night.

When I met him later that day and after, he would smile at me and I would smile at him, but after then I would try to avoid him. The best words I could muster in front of him was, "Have a good day Ty". That's it. No explanation about that night, no corny jokes, no teasing. Partly because he does most of them and I was determined to avoid them, but partly because I don't think I am ready to hear about it.

Sometimes, I think I'm just walking on bubbles when I get closer to him.

All I think of is him. I can't keep him out my mind, and that's so scary and fucked up. I don't like that at the slightest bit. I struggle to read a page from my book. How ridiculous is that? On the bottom of my stomach, there's this awful feeling that makes me crave more of him.

No way, I'm not going to let my walls down.

And not only I'm avoiding Tyler, I've been quite distant with everyone. I find it hard to talk to them, keeping up with their cheery bubbly talks when I'm not in the mood of it. It's so hard to be tongue-tied. But mainly, I just suddenly don't know what I have to say or reply when they all talk about something. So I tape my lips shut, eat quietly, and oh, well - now I even avoid the cafeteria and eat on my own little secret hiding place. I guess I'm being too paranoid.