𝑰𝑴𝑨𝑮𝑰𝑵𝑬𝑺 - måneskin

damiano david

"you are not able to get pregnant"

[ you are Lydia ]

My heart broke into a million pieces after we heard the news, maybe more than a million. 

Now, back in the car, I'm not feeling any better, still completely broken. 

I'm not able to let a baby grow inside of me, that is literally the worst thing that can happen to a women who wants kids. And yes, I want kids. I want kids with my husband, Damiano. 

After our wedding six months ago, I promised him we would make a baby during our honeymoon, because he had been asking for it for over a half year. And we kept trying and trying, we are really good at trying though. 

Only nothing worked, so we went to see a doctor, who told us to keep trying and trying, but still, nothing. They did research on me and Damiano to see what could possibly go wrong, and twenty minutes ago, they had the results. 

I'm the one who is wrong, I am the one who isn't able to give her husband the baby he wants.

"I'm sorry", I managed to talk through my sobs, while we sat in the car. My whole face was red and covered in so many tears. 

Damiano sat next to me and looked straight in front of him. "I'm so sorry, I-I can't g-give you a", I sobbed and cried only more and more, as Damiano cut me off. 

"Dia, It's not your fault, you can't help it", his hands were pressing against my cheeks, wiping my tears away. His eyes were holding back even more tears than already flew down my cheeks, and I wanted to comfort my boyfriend, this might be even harder for him. Being able to make kids, but not with his wife. 

"Dia please don't blame yourself, you didn't deserve this", Damiano leaned over me and I buried my face into his chest. And we cried, he did too, we cried together. 

"I wish you didn't marry a women who can't get pregnant, you don't deserve that", tears from him landed on my hair and I already cried his sweater completely wet. 

Damiano gasped and pulled away from me. His hands still squeezed in my face and he managed to stop crying for a moment. 

"Lydia David, if you ever dare to say that again, please baby, we didn't choose this, but that will never hold me from loving you. I married you because I love you so much that it hurts to see you in this pain. I never married you because I wanted just kids, we will figure this out", Damiano his lips were wet from his tears as he pressed them against mine, and still, we kept on crying. 

It was hard for me to believe that I will never bring a baby to this earth, and I think I won't ever be able to accept this. I tasted his tears mixed with mine, until I lost all of my breath and pulled away from him. 

Slowly, he let go of me, and we both leaned backwards into the seats of our car. But no, I didn't stop crying. 

Damiano knew that whatever he would do right now, nothing would make me less sad about the fact that we will never have a baby that look like the both of us. 

"W-what are we gonna do, I can't- I don't I-I", I sobbed more and more, hiding my face into my right hand. I felt Damiano grabbing my left one and squeezed in. 

I tried to keep myself a little more quiet to hear if he was crying. He was, but in silence, which was even more painful for me. 

"There are so many other options, but we will do it together", he whispered, before new and fresh tears rolled down my cheeks. 

"Please don't leave me, I-I won't s-survive when I have nothing left", I sobbed and squeezed as hard as I could in his hand to make the pain in my heart stop. But it was too much, the pain of not having kids was too much.

When I was six, me and Victoria used to play like we were mothers and we both raised our baby. And by the time I turned sixteen, I knew for a hundred percent sure that I wanted three kids, three kids with my boyfriend, Damiano, who is still with me right now as you know. 

None of that will become reality. I won't have any kids with Damiano, not one. 

"I will never baby, I will never leave you, we are gonna get through this together okay?", he asked and I nodded immediately, but I wasn't sure. It hurts to much. 

As soon as we got home, Damiano walked me straight to our bedroom, undressed me and laid me in our bed in my underwear. I haven't spoken since we stood at the parking lot in front of the hospital. 

"I'm gonna make you tea", he stroked his hands through my hair and left the room. 

I stare at the wall, I found one spot where I'm gonna look at until the pain will leave. 

Two minutes later, Damiano stepped in with tea and cookies, but I didn't move my face. Damiano needs to stop being so strong, because he is also broken about what happened and he needs to let his pain out as well. 

He undressed himself as well, until he wore nothing but his underpants and he crawled over the bed towards me. 

As he was next to me, he leaned his head towards mine and pressed his warm and sweaty lips against my forehead and whispered, "I love you no matter what, nothing will make me stop loving you, you are still the love of my life and I promise you we will figure this out", after that, he laid his heard down on my chest, with one arm wrapped around me, and his hand covering mine. 

We stared at the wall together, hoping we would ever be able to become parents in a different way.