Lacuna

6

Dear love Cia,

This is probably the last letter you'll receive from me. You have always been a fan of written letters thanks to tito Jesse's influence. Out of the hundreds of letter I have ever written, this is by far the hardest and most painful yet...

Do you remember when we were kids and I had a hard time pronouncing your very long name and you forbade everyone bar your family to call you Pat/Patty. And because I wanted to feel extra special compared to other kids that time, I started calling you Cia hehehe. You're 2 years older than me, but because our grandfathers are bestfriends, and tita Leni is my father's childhood friend...my siblings and I grew up with you, ate Aika and Jill. We grew up together, doing things together...we were partners in crime. We always see each other every weekend while the adults are busy catching up and doing some grown-up talk. But everything changed when I lost both my parents when I was in my 2nd year highschool, then that same year tito Jesse went to Manila for work and you went with him for your studies while I was left alone in Bicol for my studies. At that time, we tried to meet every vacation you had in Bicol and I always took the chance to go with tita Leni and Jill to visit you guys in Manila. I was grieving the loss of my parents, and you were constantly there for me... So many things happened in between... You also lost tito Jesse after 2 years that my parents and I grieved with you the same way you did with me. Eventually, I went to Manila to work, tita Leni became and is currently the VP of our country... Jill started studying in NYU... You finished med school and became a doctor... In the blink of an eye, we became adults trying to fulfill our family obligations and our own dreams.

We were childhood friends turned to bestfriends...and finally lovers. I have to admit, I had a hard time accepting that I have loved you since we were kids. I was terrified of losing you altogether. The idea of it... Our family knew before we did, and they were supportive of us. They even pushed me to work in Manila just to be closer to you, but you weren't ready for another relationship while you were in med school, so I chose to focus on building my career in one of the top companies in the Philippines while I continue to shower you with love in every opportunity I have when I am in Manila... You were always afraid I couldn't wait for you, or us being in LDR for a year will make me lose my love for you... You even thought I would eventually meet someone at my work, but Cia, I spent most of my time with you, accompanying you until dawn while you studied. Everyday, I reassured you over and over that I would always be yours.

Being your lover for 4 years was a privilege that I wouldn't trade for anything else in the world. I'm not a perfect human being and neither are you, but we both complete each other... We were perfectly imperfect for each other like a jigsaw puzzle, looking for their missing piece. You were mine as I was yours. We fought, from the smallest and childish reason to reasonable and unpredictable reasons, but we never forgot that we love each other, that, at the end of the day, we always have each other, no matter how big the fight was. Fights just made us stronger and more mature as we both learn to balance our work, love and family. Loving you and being loved by you was one of the happiest moments of my life...But as life meets death... as there is a beginning there is an end, our love ends just like any season. We weren't able to withstand the storm we faced and we both ended up hurting each other.

For what is worth Cia, I forgive you for your mistake. You got tired. I understood but Cia, I did as well, but I fought for you, for us...but you waited too long to tell me the truth and you never fought for us. I have no more fight left in me, I'm sorry. For that, I am sorry that I chose to end things between us. For finally admitting defeat in a one-sided battle. I tried, I honestly tried until I can't hold on anymore. I hope you will find it in you to forgive yourself as well. I may not fully understand why it happened, but I love you enough to forgive you and let you go... enough to accept the idea that you are happier with someone else. After all, love isn't selfish, but human nature is and it will probably take us a long time to repair our damaged relationship? Friendship? I'm sorry for my short-comings and the pain I put you through when we were together. I hope you can also forgive me for any mistakes I made..

I didn't want to lose you. I couldn't bear to lose you, you're my home, my safe haven... But, maybe God has other plans for us. I hope somewhere in the future, we are living the life we want.

Know that I will always be cheering for you and your future goals and dreams. I may not be right beside you anymore to support you, but I have faith that you can achieve whatever you set your mind to.

You're a great person Janine Patricia. Always remember that every emotion and thought you have is valid. No one should ever make you feel otherwise, got it? You're a queen and, as such, your future lover should properly treat you as such. I love you in this lifetime and the next, but in this lifetime...maybe we're not meant to be partners and lovers. Who knows?

Please take care of yourself. Don't skip meals, for a doctor, you sure are one hardheaded hehehe. Kindly send my regards to tita Leni, ate Aika and Jill. Thank you for all the moments I got to spend with you. The good and the bad, I will always treasure them.

P.s. You are never far from my heart Cia. Whatever tomorrow holds for us, let's welcome it with a smile and do our best. Let's strive to be a better version of ourselves and, hopefully, when we have the chance to meet in the future, one day, we have outgrown the version of us that hurt each other.

You are and will always be my Daragang Magayon.

Love Always,

Y/N