Lacuna

10

'Cause I have no right to love you

When I chose to walk away

I have no right to miss you

When I didn't wanna stay

And I have no right to need you

And I knew what my heart was gonna lose

I have no right to love you

But I do

I still do

I still do

Tricia's POV

"Omygod guys, stop interrupting me na huhuhu." You're beginning to get frustrated. "Patapusin na ninyo ako magexplain para isahan." You raised your hand when you saw Ralph was about to speak. "No more interruption until I say so, got it?" Everyone nodded their head.

"Soooo... ate Aika and Jill know na. Y/N broke up with me yesterday. I... hurt him/her big time and I was too late to rectify the mistakes I committed to him/her." You frowned as you saw Ralph was about to interrupt you again but thankfully ate Aika elbowed him. "This is also connected to Dr. Madrigal, Ralph." You gave him a sad smile. "Napagod ako ma... Sa 4 years namin ni Y/N. Bigla ako napagod sa sarili ko, sa amin." A bitter smile on your face. "I should have talk to her... I should have reach out... idk... But I ran away from Y/N." You're beginning to stutter; tears are pooling in your eyes and you bit your lip to stop it. "Ang tanga tanga ko. Natakot ako sa magiging reaction ni Y/N kapag nalaman niya napagod ako sa amin... Kinain ako ng takot and pag-ooverthink ko." Your voice was small, hurt and pain dripped in every word you said. When you look at your mama, she seems shocked but lets you continue while Ralph looks so lost. "I lost her because of my cowardice and stupidity... Nagpadala ako sa temptation ng attention ng ibang tao... like Dr. Madrigal, Ralph." Your shoulder dropped and you began to cry, remembering all the wrong decisions you made regarding you and Y/N.

Ate Aika came over to you and held you as you cry. "Shhh Pat... Tahanan na." She tried to calmed you down. "Thanks ate. I'm fine." You breathed and directly look at your mama. "Ma, sorry. Sorry nasaktan ko si Y/N. Sorry nasaktan ko ang sarili ko." You quietly said. "I know disappointed ka po so nagawa ko."

You let the silence comfort you as you waited for your mom to say something, anything really. You were surprised when ate Aika let you go and you felt your mom embraced you tightly as she can. "Anak... I'm not disappointed with you nor Y/N. I'm sad." Mama Leni said and you cried even harder. "I'm sad for you, for the both of you." She kissed your forehead and squeezed you for reassurance. "Everyone makes mistakes Patty. No one is perfect, alam mo yan. Since bata kayo palagi namin yan nireremind sainyo ni papa. We wanted all of you to do your best based sa mga principles and belief ninyo. Papa and I never tolerated cheating especially when it comes to relationship but we also trusted you, Aika and Jill to make your own choices and mistakes." You merely nodded in her arms. "You should ask for Y/N forgiveness, okay? Do you still love her?" Mama Leni asked. "Yes po ma, I still love her. I'll probably will and will always love Y/N." You whispered. "Fight for her anak. Don't let her permanently get away, okay?" She carefully said. "Siya lang tatanggapin ko in-law, wala na iba." She jokingly said and everyone laughed, you also laughed because of what your mama said. "Ma naman oh, pati ba ikaw. Meron pa rin bardagulan habang nagdradrama ako." You chuckled, your two sisters and Ralph are still laughing while mama Leni merely shook her shoulder.

"Are you sure di ka ma disappointed? No violent reaction?... Galit?" You looked up to your mama and wondered what she really feels about you and Y/N break up and your two sisters snickered. "Wala naman anak. Alam ko kasi eventually magkakabalikan kayo." She gave a nonchalantly shrug. "You two shared each other fates ever since bata kayo. If the two of you are meant to be together, eventually, your fates will once again intertwine with each other Patty... But.. If Y/N tell you otherwise and just want to be friends. Respect her decision as well Patty. And if uncomfortable ka for the both of you to remain friends. Then don't. Yung saying na it's better to be friends with someone you are pining for instead of completely losing that person is toxic and unhealthy for both parties."

You swallowed the lump in your throat and nodded your head. You're still drowning from guilt, hurt and shame you feel from hurting and failing Y/N. When Y/N rejected you yesterday, you felt your entire whole shattering. Seeing her tired, hurting and crying because of you, of how selfish and cowardly you became, made you doubt that you ever did deserve her.

"Tricia?" Ralph called out for you. "Yes, Ralph?" You looked at him and hummed. "Did you cheat ba with Dr. Madrigal? Kaya ka cold kanina sa kanya? Ganon yung trato mo sa kanya?" He asked. "Kaya bestfriend kita eh. Ang straightforward mo eh" You thought. "While I was still dating Y/N... Do you remember when Dr. Madrigal was introduced to us a new intern and she kept on shadowing me for several weeks?" You asked him and he merely nodded. "It was also the month that I started being cold to Y/N, tried to avoid her to the point that the chismis about me was that I was single... Dr. Madrigal kissed me while I was still dating Y/N..." Your voice cracked. "But I push her away as soon as it registered sa akin. I explicitly told her na hanggang friends lang, that I already have someone I love..." You took a deep breath and continues. "I... I felt guilty pero I never had the courage to tell Y/N about the kiss. Yesterday ko lang nalaman, she accidentally heard it when she was going to surprise me... and Y/N for several months waited for me to come clean while she continues to court me back... until she finally got tired of everything, tired of me... us." You wondered how Y/N was able to endure everything you put her through.

"Tricia... do you remember what I told you months ago?" Ralph softly asked while reaching out for your hand. "Dba sabi ko sayo, don't spend too much of your time with me or the other doctors and nurses... Instead go home to where your tahanan is." You nodded. "So why didn't you? You're my bestfriend but Y/N is also one of my closest friends. I hated seeing you spending less and less time with Y/N but I never asked kasi you both never said anything to me and I guess even to your family." He just played with your hand, still absorbing everything you said. "I was afraid that if Y/N learned na napagod ako sa amin, she will let me go and let me have pahinga away from her... So tinago ko, sinarili ko lahat... Lahat ng attention ko nasa work lang... Not until sa work, nakilala ko si Dr. Madrigal and sobra gaan sa feeling ko nun and I spent too much time with my new friend to the point di ko napansin na I clung to another person instead of my own lover, na dapat na kay Y/N buong attention ko pero binibigay ko na pala sa iba." You avoided looking at him, ashamed of what you did. "Kinain mo lang yung advice mo sa akin." Ralph sarcastically said and you winced. What he said hurts but it is also the truth. "Pagkatapos mo ako sabihan na I should try to fight and bring back what I have with my lover if mapagod ako..." He continues to say hurtful words and everyone seems content to let him be. "Ikaw pala di gagawa ng sarili mo advice. In fact, ikaw pa una bumitaw sainyo dalawa ni Y/N. Pero ikaw yung takot na takot that she will let go of you first." You know what he said is nothing but truth and you just accepted every word he said. You hanged your head in shame, guilt eating away.

"Ralph, that's enough." Ate Aika butted in. "She knows what she did... Alam niya sobra niya nasaktan si Y/N." Ralph scowled and look at you "But does she understand ba ate Aika? She broke not only Y/N but also herself." Ralph question made everyone speechless. That's the biggest question, isn't it? "Do you really understand nga ba?" You questioned yourself.