From you, for you

Part 10

Alvin's diary - 12th January 2021

You know what you should do with all this sadness? All this sorrow? This miserable feeling? You pile it up and put it away 

You pile it up and put it away in a dark room and never open the door to that room. Someday, that door may unlock, maybe through rage, aggression, violence? It doesn't fucking matter though does it. Use up all the trash in that room as a fuel to your rage right now or later in the end it's all the fucking same. You'll still be miserable after punching that concrete and making your knuckles bleed. You'll still be the trash who wasn't there for his mom when she needed him. 

You should never let that door be unlocked for too long
you know what happens when you do that.. it starts to hurt, way too much for you to bear. Your thoughts empty but tears nonstop. You lay down lonely, trying to hug yourself to sleep, but it's hurting way too much, and you can't stop gripping at whatever your hands can get hold of.. to the point where it starts to hurt your fingers. But you do it more, you grip harder. The pain feels good, as a distraction from what's hurting on the inside, a distraction from what's broken
you squint your eyes and you try really hard not to think...
but the tears flow and you can't do anything about it. Making you feel more miserable, helpless, ungrateful and hateful. Do you really like that? Do you really like being in that state? Stop fucking doing it

Don't let your emotions control you like that. It's filthy. Don't be filth.
Don't cry and throw away your fucking emotions. This is not the end. Don't give in to your helplessness, be your own helper. It fucking hurts, but you got this. Don't let mom's hard work go to waste. You owe her a life full of success. Because that's what she wanted from you. 

So please Alvin...      move on