ALWYAS, OUR SECRET DREAM 3
SKYLAR WILLIAMS
A girl from England who was searching for a place to escape, one that allowed her to live out her dreams without having to hide in the shadows.
One bratty message was how her journey started, giving her...
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My mind is racing with anxiety and guilt as I pass the length of the kitchen. Drinking my third mug of coffee. Trying to sober myself up. I can't believe I drank so much and then took out all my fears and feelings on the one person I cherish most in this world.
The accusations I'd accused her of have slowly flooded my mind, reminding me of all the vile I'd spewed to her. I wish I could forget what I'd said, turn back the hands of time and stop myself from shot-gunning three servings of whiskey.
I'd never have said or done what I did if I was sober. I hate that I projected all my fears and feelings onto my sweet, precious girl. She's been going through so much this past month and I promised to protect her. I'm supposed to be her safe place. The place she calls home and I destroyed that vow.
Her face sad, broken face has been replaying inside my mind since she ran out of here. Her usually happy, soulful, crystal blue eyes were red-rimmed, murky behind a dirty deep blue. Showing everything hidden beneath the surface. I didn't need words to hear what I'd done to her.
She is in pain and anguish because of me. I wish I could take it all back and fix this. I know she's gone to Chris to hear him out. I wish I could be with her, holding her hand against mine. Whispering sweet nothings into her eyes, soothing and settling her body that's pressed against mine.
I check my phone for the hundredth time, looking back at the messages I sent to Quinn and Sky at the peak of my drunken state. They haven't replied, the little words beneath my message confirm that it's been delivered but not read.
Feeling soberer I call Dom, asking if he has heard from Sky or Quinn. He confirms that Quinn is with Sky somewhere but she won't tell him where they are only that he might need to find somewhere else to sleep tonight.
Seems my little kitten meant what she's said to me. She's had enough and she needs space - distance from me. My heart splinters with pain as I process how much I've fucked up. Surely she knows that I was just projecting? None of what I'd said was a reflection on her? It was about me and the guilt I've been feeling. Sky's always been a forgiving soul, it's in her nature. I've experienced it first-hand, it's one of the many things I love about her.
Please don't allow me to be the storm cloud that smothers and douses her caring, loving, forgiving heart.
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We sit together awkwardly for the first five minutes. Making eyes at one another, no one really knowing what to say or how to start a conversation that's going to be a mixed bundle of emotions. Taking pity on me Quinn jumps into the flames of hell and finds a way to handle this situation being the person she has always been for me.
Protector.
Saviour.
Friend.
Sister.
'As much as I love sitting in an awkward silence I think we all know what Sky and I are doing here. So how about you explain what happened that night Chris?'
In nervous silence, I glance at Chris who's nodding along to Sky. Turning to give me a sad smile, his eyes shining with unshed tears.
'Sky' he sighs 'I wish we didn't have to sit here in an awkward environment. Where I have to try to justify my own actions that led you and my godchild to be admitted to hospital. Nothing I can ever say will justify or take away all of the pain and turmoil I have put you through. I have so many regrets and guilt and if I could go back and stop myself from punching that guy I would. Saying sorry to you feels like a pathetic word, it's not going to be enough and I don't deserve your forgiveness. Even if I desperately want it.'
A heaviness roots around my heart, sending it aching with sorrow and guilt of my own. Not for me but for the man I'd walked out on this afternoon. The man sitting in front of me isn't the man I've grown to know and care about. He's become a shell of his former self - like a prisoner trapped behind his own prison bars.
'I'd be lying to you if I didn't confess that I'm feeling guilt of my own as I sit here with you. Bryan wasn't happy about my coming here and we both know that he's protective of me and his child. So I hope you realise how important today is to be. Sorry right now isn't going to be enough but it's a start. I need to hear from you what happened that night. What started the fight? Why didn't you move it away from the group? Why did you come and barrel into my home on the day I was realised from hospital. I'm confused Chris and as much as I hate you for what you caused I still love you. Your my best friend, the baby brother to the man I loves. Please be honest with me.' I plead.
Begging. I've resorted to fucking begging. Could I be anymore pathetic!
'Can we have some space? Chris asks looking between Quinn and I. His hazel eyes boring into mine. I shake my head, my shoulder scrunching tightly together. Showing my discomfort at being left alone with him.
'I don't think that's a good idea' Quinn interjects, drinking some of her water before relaxing back into her seat and focusing on the phone in her hand.
'I want her to stay.' I chide, reaching out and holding on to Quinn's hand. He doesn't scare me regardless of what's happened he isn't a threat to me. I guess I'm leaning on Quinn like I would have if Bryan had come with me.
As Chris readies himself I use the moment of silence to send a prayer to the heavens above.
'Dear Heavenly Father, I pray that I have the strength and forgiveness within my heart and soul to mend this tethered relationship. Not only for myself and my future children but for that of my husband. To ask for your aid in this feels like a cop out so instead I will ask for you to shine down your light. Guiding us all onto the correct path. The path you have planned for us. I know with faith, love and loyalty we will all find our way out of the temptations and negativity the devil has surrounded us with. Amen'
As my final silent word is sent up into the cosmos Chris opens his mouth and starts telling us his side of events. His hazel brown eyes shimmering with emotion like he's in excruciating pain - words hold memories and memories can hold nightmares.
