Stray Kids Angst Collection

It's OK to be Bi (HyunjinxReader)

TW- PANIC ATTACK

'I'm not bisexual', you said, looking into the mirror, to convince yourself, more than anyone else.

'Oh but you are' said the voice in your head.

You thought about what this might imply. You were in denial. The thought of not knowing your feelings, scared you. Your whole life, you had accepted the fact that you liked girls. And only girls. You were confident, and proud. You loved girls. That was a fact. Your parents knew it, you siblings knew it, you knew it. You loved girls. Not boys. Girls.

But one day, you met Hyunjin. He was a new student in your class. His face was surreal, his body was a spectacle, he made you want to stare at him, for hours on end. He was so cute, and he had these small quirky habits that made you want to smile.

When you caught yourself staring, you glanced away quickly.

What is wrong with me?

I like girls. Only girls.

To other people it may not seem like a great thing. But to you it was. It felt like all of a sudden, you didn't know who you were anymore. The conflict in your head was too unbearable. It led you back to some old memories, like when you came out to y our parents. Your parents were not proud of you, when you told them you were gay. They were going to be annoyed again if they found out about this... crush.

And you struggled with a panic disorder, which you were visiting a psychiatrist for, and taking medication for. Your parents didn't understand why you were sick, and really, neither did you, but they didn't want to accept you were sick, so they pretended that you were fine, and so did you, they shunned your problems, and you kept them to yourself.

You tried to keep it down at the depths of your heart, push down your emotions so inside, that you couldn't feel anything anymore. And you would control your feelings for Hwang Hyunjin just the same wat, which you believed, was just in your head.

'It's just a crush', you told yourself. 'It will go away soon enough.'

But deep inside, you wondered if it was so wrong to like him. Why was it so wrong to be bi? Why couldn't you just accept yourself as who you were? Why did you have to hide it?

But still, you had a hard time coming to terms with it.

One day, during math class, he caught your eye. He was sleeping, like most the kids were in your class, and you just sat there and stared at him. The teacher called out your name.

'Y/N! What is the area going to be between these two parabolas?'

'I'm sorry ma'am...... I'm not too sure....'

'Well if you stare at that guy's face all day, you aren't going to know! You are supposed to be one of the smartest kids here!'

He woke up and looked at you, puzzled.

You looked down, somehow holding back your tears, she was so insensitive, now everyone was going to know your secret before you could even come to terms with it. And it was all your fault.

'I'm.. sorry..'

'Well, all of you are useless anyways, sit back down'

That lunch break, you hid yourself in the bathroom, and cried your eyes out, you knew the kids were going to be talking about you crushing on a guy, when everybody knows that you're gay. They were going to think that you were faking being gay. You just wanted to vanish away into nothing. Why were you so careless?

You managed to dry off your tears, and walk back into your class, and the moment you entered the class, you were very aware of all the kids in your class, and they weren't necessarily paying any attention to you, but the fear gripped at your heart, you felt like every single person there was judging you, you knew what was going to happen now, you ran back out and into the art room, which was empty and let out a raspy gasp for breathe.

The familiar feeling of absolute and complete terror overtook your body. You couldn't move, you couldn't breathe.

You tried your best to breathe out, but it felt like you forgot how to exhale. You gasped and gasped for air, but it wasn't making it's way in , you tried to get up, but you couldn't move, you were shivering and shaking and you told yourself in your mind, that this has happened a hundred times before, it's just in your head, but it felt like all the logic was locked away and you couldn't control it. You lay there on the ground, a dumb, disgusting, pathetic heap.

Then strong hands gently clutched your shaky hands, and a voice, which felt so far away said, 'it's ok... I've got you.'

You looked up, Hyunjin was looking softly into your eyes, concerned.

'Just breathe' he said as calmly as he could.

You shook your head-'I...I c-ca......I.. can't......'

'Come on let's do it together, breathe in' he took a deep breath in, and you managed to inhale a raspy breath.

'Breathe out'

He did this about 10 times, and you managed to calm down.

You had been struggling with these attacks for three years now, and no one was ever there to comfort you, you hid away, and kept it a secret, and it felt like all your secrets were spilling out in front of this guy, and you hated it.

But you were also thankful that he showed up.

'I'm so sorry', you told him.

'Why? There's nothing for you to be sorry about, you just had a panic attack, it's completely normal.'

'Why did you even come here?' you asked him, shaking away his hand, and getting up to sit down on a bench.

'Well I saw you run out of class, I was kinda concerned and I kinda wanted to apologise for what happened in math class..'

'Can you not? It's so embarrassing, and it's all my fault anyways. You didn't even do anything.' You told him.

'I'm still not entirely sure what happened.'

'I don't want to tell you.'

'OK.'

'..'

'Are you feeling better now?'

'Yes I'm fine. Sorry again, that must have put you in a difficult position.'

'I told you, it's nothing to be sorry about, things only get worse, when you believe that panic attacks are something you do wrong.'

'No... I'm sorry because I have a crush on you.'

He looked at you. He didn't seem as surprised as you thought he would be.

'Well, that's not something you should feel sorry about either.'

'I'm bi. I think I'm abnormal and weird.' you spilled out your words before you could think.

'You are not. I think you're one of the nicest smartest people in school. And I think you're cute as you are. Being bi, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, I am so thankful that you entrusted me with your feelings.'

You looked at him.

He looked back at you.

It was awkward.

You didn't have a crush on him anymore, but you wanted to be very good friends with him.

'Thanks.', you said.

'No problem'

The bell rang with a loud metallic clang.

'Well, we should head back to class', he said.

'Yes'

'And I think we'll make good friends', you told him.

'I was thinking the same thing.'

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Usually all my work is heavily edited i check and check and recheck, but i don't fell up to it today, its not like many people read my stuff anyways XD.

Hope you like it