Stray Kids Angst Collection

One More Part 2 (HanxSkz)

TW- SELF HARM, MENTIONS OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

(Some context- 3RACHA and Hyunjin share a dorm and the rest of the members have a different dorm)

Changbin shook him awake, a concerned look in his face. Ice cold fear paralysed him at the thought of his fellow members discovering that he hurt himself.

'Wh-what what do you want?', he stammered.

'Why are you knocked out on the couch? I thought you dropped dead here.'

Han let out an exasperated sigh of relief. 'I guess I was really tired yesterday..' he said, getting up. He felt dizzy. I'm just going to go to the bathroom...'

He ran into the bathroom and quickly pocketed the blade resting near the bath tub and brushed his teeth, freshened up, and went to his room to change. He had dance practice with Hyunjin and Lee Know early in the morning, they were working on a special sub-unit song together.

When he walked out, Hyunjin was already ready to go, with oversized black tee, black joggers, and white trainers. He looked very gorgeous with his long black hair swept into a pony tail. He looked over his shoulder at Han and smiled, 'Let's go!'

He was everything Jisung was not.

Han mustered the most cheerful smile he could, 'Yeah'. Every time he smiled, a little piece of his soul felt like it was dying bit by bit, slowly.

They took a car to the JYP building. He tried not to grimace in pain when Hyunjin grabbed his thigh, when the car suddenly halted. 'You OK? Did that hurt? Sorry..' Hyunjin, said pulling his hand away quickly, a bit startled by the pair of emotionless eyes staring back at him.

'Alright, let's get started', a sleepy Lee Know clapped. After 3 hours of sweat drenched intense dance, with Han lagging behind, no matter how hard he tried, and Lee Know and Hyunjin taking chances pointing it out, they called it a day. They didn't ever say anything, but it was understood, Han was not doing well enough for them to be able to finish their song in time at this rate. They had to start the song from the beginning again and again, because Han couldn't move his damn arms and legs right.

He was useless. He deserved to suffer the pain he was causing. But how..

He knew the answer to that one question. 'When I get home, I'll do it' he whispered under his breathe as he ran into the 3RACHA work room for some final touches before their songs were ready to add to their album. It was 3 am when they were done with everything, and then they had a group practice for their new title track. And once again, Jisung found himself unbearably lacking, and all the members were much better than him. Halfway through, I.N. said he was tired, so they wound up and the other members returned to their dorm, with Chan staying back to fix a song, and Han, to continue his dance practice. Alone in the practice room, he pushed himself more and more, until he felt like everything he was doing was wrong. He angrily stopped the loud blaring music and the room fell silent. He tried to control his thoughts and feelings that overflowed over each other, until he couldn't tell which was which.

But one key emotion, he did apprehend. Anger. He was angry at the members, for being so much better than him, at every single thing. But mostly, above everyone, he was angry at himself. For not being good enough. For never being good enough. He hated how perfect every one was but him. 'I'm such a monster' he croaked out. How could he think about his members like this? They were his family? How could he hate them? He didn't deserve to hate them.

'I need to hurt myself.. I really want to hurt myself.' He frowned, these feelings had progressed fast- He was going to wait till he reached home, but he couldn't stop himself anymore.