Painting the Hueless Sky (La Carlota #4)

36

"Do you hate me?"

Silence. We were occupied by silence after my question. Hindi niya ako sinagt at hindi ko alam kung mas gusto ko ba 'yon.. O mas gusto kong 'di malaman ang katotohanan kung kinamumuhian niya ako.

I had his answer in my head even though he doesn't say it yet. It's yes, I do. And, if that's the case I would definitely understand. After knowing that they had left this world I couldn't help but to feel sorry for what he had experienced after me.

"I have loved you," he answered, stiff. "Genuinely."

I swallowed a lump on my throat and tried my best to look at his grandparents' names. "You didn't answer my question. You hate me?" ulit ko.

"You.. Can not hate someone you genuinely loved.. " he murmured. "And, I have loved you enough to understand. At isa pa? You had all the right to walk away, you had all the right to feel and act upon your pain. I'm not showing you this to make you feel guilty, that's the least you should be feeling right now, Engineer."

Ako naman ang natahimik ngayon. Hindi pa rin mawala ang bigat sa puso ko. Kahit ano'ng sabihin niya sa 'kin ngayon hindi nito maiibsan ang mga naiisip at nararamdaman ko.

I feel like a bad person. I feel bad for him.

"My life after you is not your responsibility and should be out of your conscience, whatever happened to me after us.. Is all on me," he softly uttered.

Pilit kong inayos ang paghinga ko, but the roughness of my breath kept on prevailing. Mahigpit kong niyakap ang sariling tuhod at pumikit, I wanted to feel my heart. It hurts.

The Vergaras have been nothing but good to me. I can't process how they're gone, at hindi man lang ako nakapagpaalam. Masakit, at hindi ko maisip kung ga'no 'to kasakit para sa lalaking katabi ko ngayon.

"It's getting dark, Engineer," anya. "We should get going.. It's not so nice to drive in the dark, you're not familiar with the roads of Dayang. Tara na."

"I want to stay a bit longer.. " I said, almost whining.

"We can always go back next time, longer even.. It's not as if they're leaving," he humored.

Mabilis ko siyang tinignan, tumayo na siya't pinagpag ang kaniyang mga kamay. May ngisi sa labi niya pero hindi ako natuwa sa sinabi niya, he's trying to make humor out of this but this is nothing close to being funny.

"Stop making those kind of jokes," ani ko't tumayo na rin.

"It's how I cope with everything, I can't help it, sorry," he chuckled.

"How do you cope?" matigas kong tanong.

"By laughing when life fucks me up," anya, nakatitig sa mga mata ko. "It's not like whining or sulking on it will give me my life back.. So I just laugh when things gets worst, 'coz it's not like I can do anything about pa. And, I did things to deserve this so don't show me remorse," he shrugged.

Lumunok ako't pinanood siyang punasan muli ang mga lapidang nasa harapan namin. His eyes have calmed and have concealed what's left for the world to read and see.

It was as blank as the sky when we left the cemetery. Dark, no stars, no gleam. Nothing at all. Just darkness and emptiness, that's how his eyes were when we both bid good bye.

"What do you mean that you're home?!" Hilda screamed at me from the end of the line.

Huminga ako nang malalim at pilit na pinako ang tingin ko sa daanan papuntang Vista Carolina. Tatlong araw na simula nang pumunta kami sa St. Ignatius ni Kyrone, busy na rin ako sa trabaho ko roon.