MARINA ONE-SHOTS

CHAPTER 1: After state (Part I)

POV: Carina

I wanted to scream.

That's all I wanted to do. I never wanted to go back to that moment in the train station and find my brother choking to death, stabbed. I wanted to go back to the moment I left him alone and just tell him that I loved him for one last time. This wasn't supposed to happen, not like this. He was too good. He was so good to me even after he learned that the only reason we got separated was because of me. He never said anything bad. Then why? Why did this have to happen to him?

I cry as I hold the covers up to my chin. The tears won't stop. And I try not to shake too much because Maya is right beside me. And I probably should let her sleep because she had a long day. Maya had been working herself non-stop to get me anything and everything I needed. She even took a leave from the captaincy to take care of me. I should at least value that and let her get some sleep before she has to babysit me tomorrow again.

I feel a stir and assume it's only my shaking, but then an arm snakes around me and pulls me to her chest.

"Hey, I'm here." Maya's rasped voice travels into my ear and I slowly turn in her arms until I'm facing her, my face pressed against her neck while she holds me. I sob out another cry and Maya's arm involuntarily tightens around me. With the way I'm pressed against her, I can hear the loud thumping of her heart. She's scared, I realize. I let myself calm down as Maya runs her hand up and down my spine. She presses kisses on my forehead and mutters something that I couldn't figure out.

I sniffle and pull away slightly to look at Maya. It crushes me to see the bags under her eyes, the redness on her cheeks, and the bob of her throat as she swallows another sob. It hurts her to see me this way, I know it. It hurts to go through and accept the fact that Andrea wasn't coming back.

"Do you want to have anything? You've barely eaten since the morning." Maya asked, brushing back a few strands of my hair and running her hands on the skin of my cheek wiping the wetness. I shake my head, "No." My voice comes out shaky and I have to swallow before I can speak again, "But thanks."

"Don't thank me." Maya whispers, "It doesn't matter why, but I'll take care of you all the time."

I try to smile, "Okay."

"What do you need right now?" Maya asks covering her mouth as she yawns.

"You."

She smiles back at me, "I'm here. Whatever you need."

"I need you to lie down and get some sleep." I say as I pull the covers above the two of us, "You've been doing a lot. And I want you to keep doing all of that for me, but for that, you need to be healthy, okay?"

She keeps her eyes fixed on me but nods and rests her head back on the pillow and sighs, "I should have talked you out of it." She raises her hand to wipe off a tear that had escaped her eye, "I should have been there earlier. I should have gone with Andrew. I should have never cared about the stupid inspection. I should have left everything to Andy the moment I heard from the two of you. I should have-" she breaks down, crying and if it was biologically possible, it would have made every muscle in my body ache with the pain of seeing Maya cry and blame herself.

"No." My voice comes out just as shaky, and I wrap my arm around her, "No, it's not your fault, Maya." She sobs louder as we both hold each other.

"I'm sorry. I know I'm not helping you breaking down like this, but I just- I couldn't-"

"Shh." I run my fingers through her hair and comfort her even though the tears from my eyes don't stop falling.

We're both crying messes, wrapped up in each other, holding onto one another, silently praying for less pain. If it was possible, I would hold Maya a little tighter, just to feel safe and make her feel safe.

"I'm sorry." Maya pulls back, eyes puffed out and red. She runs a hand through her hair and sits up resting against the headboard. "I'm sorry. I just... he was my friend, you know. 19 and Grey-Sloan are like partners. And we used to take patients there every time we had a victim." Maya sighs and hits her head back on the wall, closing her eyes, "When Mason got sick, Andrew checked him. Andrew didn't let me believe for once second that I might lose a brother." Tears run down her cheeks and her voice falters, "Andrew saved my brother, but he also saved me. And I did nothing to save him."

Her sobs become louder and her body starts shaking. Rage, grief, and pain, burning inside her, and I can feel every inch of it. I sit up and pull her to me, holding her face in my hands.

"I love you." I look into her eyes, "I love you and I don't blame you. Andrea died because he was chasing a trafficker. He died because his time was done. You had nothing to do with it. So no, you don't get to blame yourself for something that you didn't do."

She cries harder and I don't say anything more. I hold her until she stops. I hold her the same way she did to me until she calms down and lies back on the bed. I hold her until I am sure she's drifted off to sleep.