MARINA ONE-SHOTS

CHAPTER 2: After state (Part II)

POV: Maya

"How is she doing?" Andy asked.

Andy was calling to check up on us, as usual. It was nice of her and everyone else from the station to call and ask, but the more they did, the more void it felt. It was like the constant reminder that a part of our lives was snatched away and we- I- had nothing to do.

"Not good." I say, quietly, not wanting to wake her up. She had finally fallen asleep in the morning and hadn't woken up since, and she needed that. She needed to sleep.

"Have you tried talking to her about it?" Andy asks, concern coating her voice.

"Uh..." I let out a humorless chuckle, "I kind of broke down on her last night and I think I made it worse. Honestly, I don't even know what I should tell her. She lost her brother, Andy."

Andy sighs at the other end of the call, "I know. And maybe when she's ready just let her talk it out."

"Okay."

"Maya, I gotta go right now, but take care of her." I hear the klaxons go off in the background and with a quick goodbye, Andy hangs up the call.

I put the phone down on the counter and continue to stir the soup. Yesterday I found Carina lying down on the floor of the living room just staring into nothingness. She didn't even notice me when I walked past her and I decided not the say anything because she needed space. I couldn't just expect her to talk to me.

I put the bowl of soup on a tray and a few breadsticks and carry it to the bedroom.

The bedroom has been a mess for a few days. Clothes everywhere. Papers pilled on the desk. Glasses were scattered around and the bedsheets were in a tangled mess.

And in all that mess, Carina was nowhere in sight.

"Carina?" I called out but didn't get any answer. I placed the tray on the table and walked to the bathroom.

Carina was hunched up in a corner of the shower room, face buried in between her knees, head resting against the wall, and the same empty, dark look in her eyes.

"Hey..." I started to walk inside but she stopped me, pulling up her hand to hold it between us.

"Don't come here." Her voice shook ridiculously.

"Okay." I backed out of the shower room, and stood leaning against the door, "What do you need me to do?"

She doesn't answer right away and she stays so silent that for a few minutes I get a feeling that she hadn't even heard what I had asked her.

"This is how I cope." She says, finally, "I find a place that gives me the most discomfort, the most pain. And when I feel the pain and the discomfort, it distracts me from what is actually hurting me." Carina diverts her eyes off the tiles and rests them on me, "The bed, the couch, even the carpet, all of that is just too soft. You are soft and comforting. And if you come and hug me right now, the hurt will come back. I don't want that."

I nod and wipe the tear that had escaped. This isn't right.

"Okay. I'll be outside." I say and get out the door, "If you need anything, just call me."

I turn and hastily walk out of the bathroom, out of the bedroom, and close the door behind me as I break down again.

It hurts. It hurts so much to see her like this. It hurts that I never got to thank her brother once again. It hurts that good people like Andrew have to sacrifice their lives every day just because people are too stupid and selfish and don't listen.

I drop to the couch and hold a pillow to my face while I set the tears free. This wasn't supposed to be like this. I think about better times. I think about the time I met Carina, the first time I joined the station, and the first time Captain Hererra believed in me. I think of all the times that make me forget Andrew. I try to forget the image of him lying there, just still, stabbed, and the paramedics put him on a gurney to take him away.

When I am done crying, I pull the pillow off my face. It's soiled and probably needs a wash but I can't care at that moment. I needed to clear my head, and the best way to do that was to run but there was no way I was leaving Carina behind.

Working out seemed the best option and so I did. I pulled out my elastic tension chord and started pulling, letting myself sweat the pain out.

Thirty minutes later, I am in the middle of pushups when I see two pairs of feet in front of me and I look up to see Carina. She looks like she took a shower. Her hair is frizzy and her clothes are changed. She smells nice from where I was, which was weird because I was at her feet.

I quickly stand up wiping the sweat from my forehead, "You showered." It comes out more like a question than a statement but she nodded, "I was at the place so I thought I as well might."

"Okay, that's great." I gave her a small smile.

"Yeah, and I need to call people to make arrangements." Carina moved to sit on an island stool, "I need to call the manager of the church for the funeral service, I need to call the hospital for the documents and his landlord for the lease and- and-" She was becoming animated by the second.

"I did all of that," I say and carefully look at her. She says absolutely nothing and sits still which scares me to hell.

"What?"

I clear my throat, "I did those things. I called them, got everything done." I pick at my finger as I continue, "I figured you were too tired to do it, so I might as well be of use."

Carina's face breaks into a smile as she sighs, "Thank you." Her eyes become glassy again and I quickly go to stand in front of her. "Nobody has ever done that for me."

"Hey." I hold her face in my hands, "Don't thank me. If odds were turned, you'd have done the same."

"I don't think I could have done it." Carina shakes her head as she sniffles, "Can you maybe...call my dad too?"

Even though we're in a crisis, her sheepish tone makes me break into a chuckle, "I'm sorry. I wish I could. But you need to do that."

She sighs and then all of a sudden, all her sadness returns again. She gets off the stool and walks over to sit on the couch but not before pacing the room three times, breathing loudly, as if warning her body that she is going to do something crazy. But then she slumps down on the couch, above the cushions as a sob makes its way out of her throat and that little sound shatters my heart once more.

"You know..." She says, "I keep thinking how much of an idiot I am." I move forward and kneel down before her as she continues. She takes in a shaky breath, "I should never have let him on that train. I should have been there with him and never left him alone, but I did, and... Why? Why did I do it? Because I'm an idiot. And now my little brother is dead... because of me."

I am already shaking my head and manage to grasp her hands in mine, "No, no. None of this is your fault. Okay? He didn't die because of you."

"But I left him there, Maya! I left him even when I knew how dangerous that was, but I still left him there."

I shake my head and grit my teeth, "No, you want to blame someone? Blame me. Blame me, Carina."

"No, Maya you don't know what you're talking–"

"I do. Give me the guilt." I pull her hands into mine and stare into her eyes, "Give me the blame, Carina. Give me the part that stings the most. Let me hold onto it for a little while and when you're feeling a little stronger you can have it all back."

She cries louder until I know her heart aches, but then she makes a face and looks away from me and I know at that moment that I need to move away.

"Too soft."

"Mhm."

"I'm sorry." I stand up and get out of her space. "You need to let it out, Carina." I say and she looks at me, eyes blurred with water, "You need to scream. Scream, Carina."