You ready for that beer?

Kiss or run

I'm right behind Street as we walk out that door. Once or twice there are nurses and doctors hurrying past us, but that doesn't matter. We're alone, it's just the two of us. And I feel something inside snapping shut, feel myself building a shell around my heart.

This is ridiculous, I tell myself. I am being ridiculous. Now I thought Street was dead and suffered unimaginable grief and now I make a drama out of talking to him about feelings?

"So ... you want to talk or not?", he asks innocently as we've been walking through the building the whole time without exchanging a single word. We're almost outside now.

"Yeah, I ..." How should I start? "Well, I'm glad your alive?"

Street chuckles. "Yeah, me too."

"And that you're like, okay, you know what I mean? On your feet. You can walk."

"Well, now", Street admits. "Good thing you didn't see me in that hospital in Mexico, though I was paved over with wires, even had to wear a mask 'cause of oxygen lack."

As he speaks, I try to fight the pictures of him crashing into the water. I swear, I'll get a post-traumatic stress disorder by this and it's all Street's fault. Not that he got stabbed and almost drowned, of course, but that he's so fucking unlovable.

I mean, I tried not to fall in love with him. For a long time. And really hard.

And now ...

"Hey, you're trembling", Street says as we exit the building and enter the cool autumn evening. The lights is bright and golden and horribly romantic.

"It's cold", I say, although that's not true.

We remain silence for a while longer and I act amazed by the trees to avoid eye contact. They are beautiful, but then there's Street next to me and that is not comparable.

I take a deep breath.

"I read the letter"

Why I say this, I don't know, and neither why I have to turn around and face Street's look because we are too close again.

"Oh, ehhhh ...", he says, helplessly wringing his hands. It's too cute.

I

'm panicking, too. Words whiz around in my head and don't find the way to my tongue, which feels paralzyed.

Now.

I should say it now.

How hard can it be? I will just say three words, and quickly add that we will have to find a way to be together before Street comes up with the idea of leaning in to a kiss. We can't do that until we figured it out, it would be against the policies.

Or ... would that be so bad? We're the same rank and nobody would have to know. If I'm not wrong, Street is closer now, I could sink in his eyes forever. I don't want to lose him ever again, I want to be with him, right now and forever ...

I just have to lean forward.

I don't know if it's the light touch of our lips that makes me come to my senses, but suddenly, I freeze. What am I doing? I can't do this, it's wrong. Just wrong. Am I gonna endanger my whole career, years and years of hard work, only for one kiss?

Even with Street?

"Sorry, I can't, I'm so sorry", I stammer as I stumble back. The look in Street's eyes makes my heart ache. "I gotta go. I'm sorry, but I can't, I can't."

Looking at him now is too much. I know I'm a coward, a fucking coward, and I hate myself for that, but this thought is not strong enough to prevent me from running away.

Again.