Dear Everyone And Anyone That Reads This

Fourth Entry

Heyo everyone and anyone who reads this! Sorry it has been awhile again! So now I know to say 'write to you soon' instead of saying 'write to you tomorrow'. Anyways I am back  and ready to talk about my "father problems". Which I said I would do in my last entry.

How to start this I guess is to talk about the my memories. I am my father's first child, so I guess I got the short end of the stick. Most of my memories of him are what he gave his "advice" on about me. His "advice" containing on what I should work on for my body mostly. Which would be bad parenting to others but good parenting to him.

Since I was growing up, he would tell me to stop eating bad or else I'll end up fat. Or how I should be more like girls in Guatemala, thats where he's from. When I started cutting my hair he said I look like a boy. He told me to never get tattoos cause that's a sin. The worst memory I have to say is when I was 15.

It was my 15th birthday party. I finally had the courage to open up to him. I finally said, 'I am pansexual'. He gave me a smile and told me we will talk more about it some other time. Later the same day... he called my mom.

My mom put him on speaker phone to hear him better. He didn't know I was in the room. He said, 'Rachell, Cisca needs help'. We sat there confused not knowing what he was talking about. He then said how I am confused about my sexuality and that I need to see someone.

I got up from my chair and went straight to the bathroom. I was hurt and scared. I was crying and thinking about his words. I was then hearing my mom yell at him. I came back after the call was over.

I guess from that day on I stopped caring. Stopped caring about what he thinks. I started dying my hair, keeping my hair short getting tattoos, kissing who I want, and dressed differently. I was starting to feel more like myself. I also stopped holding my tongue.

I guess from that, you can see how I have problems with men. I wish to say that was all but it wasn't. I had a stepdad from when I was 10 to 14. He was put into jail when I was 15. My mom will never marry anyone else because of him.

I don't think I am in the right mindset to talk about it. I will when I feel better. So for now we will also put a pin in that. I hope everyone knows that they don't need someone who walks all over them. I will write to you soon!

Love~Somebody