The Path To You

5. I love you

Things had changed. I didn't know exactly why they did but after the ice cream surprise I saw Connor less and less. He'd show up randomly at my apartment and eat my food while making me watch some ridiculous reality tv show with him but then he'd leave and I wouldn't know when I'd see him next. I had tried to set up plans with him once but he'd dodged the invite and when I asked what he was doing that evening he just shrugged not wanting to answer.

I knew what he was going to be doing. I'd joined him enough times when he went to parties and drank the whole night, sleeping with whoever was there and willing. I'd dragged him home many times after one of those nights but something had shifted. He wasn't inviting me out and usually I wouldn't care and just invite myself but Connor seemed to not want me with him so I respected it. I didn't know what I did but he was pushing me away and I could do nothing to stop it.

So instead of being at a party with Connor I was at my apartment. I spent the night hanging out with my roommates Monroe and Becca. It wasn't always my favorite pass time to third wheel with the couple but tonight had been nice. We sat around had some drinks and watched a movie, one that Becca had talked through the whole time. But now it was getting late and I was in bed trying to get some sleep and not think about the boy that never seemed to leave my mind.

It wasn't long after I'd tried to go to bed that my bedroom door eased its way open and someone snuck in. I barely had to even raise my head up and look to know exactly who it was.

He didn't say anything as he made his way over to my bed and slipped under the covers behind me. The air was silent between us as he wrapped himself around me, his body pressed up against my own. I didn't dare break the silence, I was scared one word might spook him away from me and ruin this moment. I just let myself enjoy the little bit I got from him.

At least I tried to let myself enjoy it but being here with him so close somehow made me realize just how much I missed him. I missed Connor so much it actually hurt. He might have been physically here with me but he still felt so far away. I'd missed all the moments we had. The mornings I'd make breakfast and we'd joke around in the kitchen together. I missed when we would show up to a party together the way Connor would just let himself go pulling me in swaying around to the music. Those twenty minutes of fun he'd give me before turning away to get a drink and sleep with someone who wasn't me.

It was pathetic how I clung to those first moments of a party knowing how the night would end. But I had come to terms with the fact I would never be able to have Connor the way I wanted. One night was all I would ever get and I was lucky to have him in my life at all even if it was only as a friend.

"I love you Jet Plane." Connor's words slurred, his lips brushing against the back of my neck as he spoke.

Usually I held those words close to the heart. I took every drunken word and locked it up inside because I knew he'd never say them sober. Tonight they didn't feel the same, it almost hurt. It was a twist in my chest because I wanted so badly to hear him say those words when the sun came up, when he wasn't so drunk.

"Get some sleep." I whispered back.

I just laid there listening as his breaths evened out. And even after that when I knew he'd fallen asleep I just laid there wide awake. I laid there in his embrace and tried to not think about how his shirt was on backwards and his hair was a mess. I tried to not focus on the stench of alcohol and worry about how he had actually gotten here. I did my best to push that all out of my head and just sleep in his warmth.

—

I woke up first and instead of sticking around and laying in bed with Connor I got up and started my day letting him sleep as long as he wanted. He didn't stir until one o clock. Connor sat up in my bed and looked  around a confused look on his face. The confusion only lasted a few seconds until his eyes landed on me where I was sat at my desk finishing up one of my discussion posts for a class.