The Path To You

14. I care about you

Connor and I hadn't really talked but I also knew better than to push him. I'd gotten him home and then I couldn't leave him. Even if I wanted to the second he grabbed my hand stopping me I had caved. Connor had needed me last night and I wasn't going to walk away when he was like that. I'd laid right next to him holding him as he cried and I didn't let go even after he fell asleep.

He was still wrapped around me sleeping when I woke up. He looked so peaceful when he was sleeping and part of me wished he wouldn't wake up. I didn't want him to open his eyes and to see all that pain again.

Connor had walked around like the dumb jock who didn't take anything seriously. He drank too much and slept around and he made it all look like he was just having fun. Last night it was like his mask finally cracked and I saw him and all his pain. I wanted to wrap him up and make sure he never hurt ever again but I knew that was unrealistic.

I felt Connor stir against me and I just watched as he blinked his eyes open. It took him a little bit to wake up but once he was up and his eyes landed on me I felt him tense in my arms. I wanted to tighten my hold and keep him here with me but I wouldn't do that. I couldn't force him into anything even if it was just laying here with me.

So I tried to ignore the tightening in my chest as he pushed away from me brushing my arms off him. I let him create distance and fought against the urge to comfort him.

"You shouldn't be here." His voice was rough with sleep.

"I wasn't going to just leave you alone last night. I was worried about you." I told him truthfully.

"Why?" He turned to look at me his eyes showing all the emotions he tried to hide on his face.

"Because I care about you."

"You really shouldn't. You should hate me, you should want nothing to do with me."

I knew I should be mad at him. I should be mad about the words he'd thrown at me. I had been hurt by what he said but I wasn't mad. I couldn't hate him even if I tried. I had needed the space and I had needed to get over my feelings for him but he was and always would be someone I cared for. Connor was my friend and I couldn't give that up.

"I could never hate you Connor. I'm sorry-,"

"Please don't do that." Connor shook his head looking pained.

"I'm sorry that I needed space but I just want you to know that you'll always have me as your friend." I pushed through needing him to hear those words.

"Stop!" His voice was loud enough it caused me to jump a little. "Don't apologize to me. I don't deserve any of it. You need to hate me Jetson, you need to be angry at me."

"You can't force me to feel something I don't."

"I haven't even said sorry or done anything for you to forgive how I treated you and yet here you are. Do you not understand how fucked that is?"

"You could apologize." I told him.

"No I can't. There aren't enough words in the world to make up for the shit I've done. Not that it really matters, people have stopped believing the words that come out of my mouth a long time ago."

"You know you don't need to push everyone away. I'm not going to sit here and demand anything even an apology. But you have to know you could tell me anything, I'm here no matter what." And this time I really meant the words.

I had walked away from him once and I didn't think I'd be able to do it again.

Connor flopped back onto the bed laying down staring up at the ceiling. It was silent between us but he wasn't telling me to leave so I was taking that as an improvement.

"Do you know why I started playing football?" He asked breaking the quiet between us.

"No." I shook my head, Connor hadn't talked about anything when it came to himself.

"My best friend, Reid, wanted to tryout our freshman year of high school and I thought it was dumb. I wasn't really a team sport guy but he didn't want to go to the tryout by himself so I caved and went with him. I thought it might be fun. It was just something to do together but then we both made the team."

I sat there and took it all in. I wanted to know everything about him and I'd listen to anything he was willing to share.

"I actually liked it at first. I had always been an athletic kid so I took to the sport pretty quick. It was something to do and I got to do it with my best friend. They said I had raw talent, well that's what my coach told me and I'm not sure I should believe him." I heard his voice change, the way it choked over the last sentence.

I didn't know exactly what I was bracing myself for but dread filled my body as he spoke. It was like I could feel where his words were going. It felt like I was waiting for the storm to hit and all I could do is sit here and prepare for the worst.

"I don't even know what it was in those first few weeks of practice that he saw in me. I didn't think I stood out against any of the other guys but he told me I had potential and that he was going to mentor me. I was stupid enough to believe that was all it was."

The realization hit me square in the face. The idea of his coach doing anything to hurt him caused my stomach to turn.

"He spent so much time getting me to trust him. He helped me improve my game and he was the one that helped me with scholarships and is the reason I even got into college. Every time he'd kept me after practice to check in with me was all just some tactic to get me to trust him and I fell right into his trap. I had trusted him enough to reason everything away, I made excuses after excuses for that man because he was helping me and took interest in my future." Connors body shook as he spoke, I could only watch as tears silently streamed down the sides of his face.

"He was manipulating you it wasn't your fault for not seeing that." I said honestly.

"But I should have. There were a lot of things he did even before he laid a single hand on me that I should've said something about. But I turned a blind eye to who he really was and now I feel like his hands are branded into my skin."

"This isn't on you, you did nothing to-,"

"That's the thing, I did nothing Jetson!" Connors voice raised as he sat up to look at me. "I did nothing, I let him get away with all of it. I did nothing as he touched me for the first time. I did nothing when he pinned me to the shower wall. I did nothing when I went home during Christmas break and he was sitting in my dining room laughing with my parents. I sit here and I do fucking nothing." His voice broke as sobs racked through him.

And for the first time since he woke up he fell into me letting me wrap myself around him. He let me comfort him the way I had ached to do this whole time.

"It's not your fault Connor. The only person that's in the wrong here is him." I held him against me just hoping he might believe the words even just a little bit.

"He destroyed my life and I fucking let him. I'm a broken mess and he still gets to walk into work every morning like nothing happened."

I wasn't a violent person. I actually really didn't like it but if I ever saw Connor's high school coach I think I'd kill him. But my anger towards that man had to wait because all my focus was on Connor and what he needed.