The Path To You

16. Too broken

Connor pov:

I was doing better. I wasn't sober but my drinking had reduced since I told Jetson I would try. I pushed the urges as much as I could. I woke up and resisted the need to drink for as long as I could. And it wasn't just that, I had been trying my hardest not to drink in front of Jetson. I knew I wasn't fooling anyone when I showed up drunk but I thought it was better than actually drinking in front of his eyes.

Things with Jet had been better since I'd opened up to him. We didn't talk about any of it. Jetson wouldn't push me to tell him anything I wasn't ready to. He was so patient with me and even though I wasn't ready to share any more with him right now I knew he'd be there ready to listen when I was.

I was really tired of trying to push him away. I vowed to myself I'd try and keep Jetson in my life as long as I could. Id lost enough friends over the years, I wouldn't let it happen again.

I'd made so many mistakes and did so much that hurt the people in my life. He'd shaped me into someone I barely recognized, made me fight people who weren't even going against me because I never had the ability to fight the one person I needed to. It hadn't been just my roommates or Jetson I'd destroyed.

I ruined things way before I even showed up at Kingsley. My self destruction started with Reid.

It hurt to think about. It hurt to remember what I'd done. The relationship I'd destroyed because I was too ashamed to just admit the truth. We'd been best friends since we were five and now it was nothing. I hadn't spoke to him since graduating high school.

I couldn't do that again. I couldn't lose someone like that a second time. So I was trying my hardest with Jetson.

"Staring at the screen isn't going to get anything done." Jetson nudged me.

I shook out of my thoughts and looked over at him. We were supposed to be studying together. I had some assignments to do and Jetson was working on some paper. I'd fallen seriously behind in basically all my classes and so far I hadn't done anything since I sat down with Jetson.

"If I knew the answers I'd be writing them down but this is all pointless. I'm not going to get any of it right so why waste my time." I groaned.

"You could read your textbook or go through your notes. The information is there you just need to find it." He told me.

I would go through my notes if I actually took any or showed up to class. Going through my textbook was another option but for a lot of my classes I didn't even buy the textbook. I didn't have hundreds of dollars to spend on books we barely used.

"I'm taking a break." I caved not wanting to deal with classes anymore.

"But you-," Jetson glanced at the blank screen but cut himself off deciding not to say anything.

I was glad it was dropped. I knew how bad things were and that I couldn't really afford to not pass my classes and that if my gpa kept slipping I'd lose my scholarship. I knew all of that but it was really hard for me to care.

It felt like everything was piling up on me and usually when I felt like this I'd drink. I really wanted to drink but I swallowed the urge and turned to look at Jetson.

"Tell me something about you." I said needing a distraction from my thoughts.

"Ok as long as I can ask you something after."

I didn't know exactly what he was going to ask and there was a lot I didn't want to answer. There were topics I needed to stay away from but I needed to put my trust in Jetson. He wouldn't ask me something I wouldn't feel comfortable answering.

"Sure." I nodded in agreement.

"You know my ex cheated on me right?" He asked.

I nodded. It wasn't like common knowledge but Jet had mentioned it briefly before. He didn't talk about his ex much but the little I did know wasn't good.

"Well everyone just thinks she cheated and I ended it when I found out. That's sort of what I let everything believe. She told me she cheated, we were fighting about something and I kept trying to resolve things and she just snapped told me she slept with someone else. I know I should have ended things and walked away. But I didn't, I tried to make it work. I practically begged her to give us a second chance. I think I have this thing about holding onto things even when they keep hurting me." He confessed.

My heart twisted. I couldn't help but feel like he was doing that right now, with me. Holding onto whatever this was even when I kept hurting him. He should've walked away already, he should've left me like everyone else.

It was just another reason why I should let Jetson go. I should walk away and let him find someone that deserves him.

"You loved her, there's no shame in wanting to try to work things out." I told him but I was so glad they didn't, he deserved better than her, better than me.

"Yeah I guess but it was obvious I was way more invested in the relationship than she was. I think I always loved her more than she loved me, even from the beginning when I thought things were perfect."

"You deserve someone who'll love you with everything they have." I wanted to say I could be that person but after everything I didn't know if I could be enough for him.

I was too broken for Jetson.

"I get to ask you a question now." Jetson changed the topic.

"Go ahead." I swallowed the nerves about what he might ask.

With all the possibilities in my head the question he actually asks wasn't even in my top ten guesses.

"When did you know you liked guys?"

The easy answer was to say I didn't. I had no idea if I liked guys. I hadn't thought about it or I hadn't let myself go there after everything. I couldn't remember if before high school if I ever really looked at guys but I knew after I hadn't dared to even glance their way. I never wanted to be into guys after what I had went through but something about Jetson had captivated me from the second we met.

I didn't want to go into all that but I knew I wanted to tell him the truth.

"That day we first met. I took one look at you and just knew."

I could tell that surprised Jetson by the way his eyes widened slightly. He went to open his mouth probably to ask another question but I didn't think I could handle confessing anything else.

"I should probably get going, it's obvious I'm not going to be getting any of this work done and I don't want to distract you from your paper." I grabbed my laptop and stood up.

I ignored the way Jets face fell slightly. I was letting him down but I needed to drink. I needed to distract myself from all this and I didn't want to do that with Jetson right in front of me.

"You don't have to leave." He said.

"I'll see you tomorrow." I smiled at him trying to hold myself together while he could still see me.

It was better this way. I didn't need to hurt Jetson on all the jagged edges of my broken self. I would do my best to be better for him but I couldn't get in the way of him finding someone better.

I'd hold onto him until he found someone to replace me.