Granny Thayer, Demon Slayer || Collab with SophieKestrel

Chapter 16: In Which Polly Does Not Actually Want a Cracker

As Violet watched, torn between incredulity and amusement, King Fazir swung the hook hand that was glued very obviously to the cuff of his shirt. He seemed to be trying to stab Maisie-the-machine-gunner, but he missed by a good ten feet and crashed to the floor.

"Is he... drunk?" Raj asked delicately.

"No, he just hasn't found his sea legs," said Akram.

"I damn well do have me sea legs!" Fazir swung around to glare at them. "I keep tellin' ye, mateys! I'm a real pirate! Yarr! Argh! Blimey! All hands to the—"

A tomato planted itself on the floor beside him with a sloppy squelch.

"Are we all just black eye patches and 'yo ho ho's to you?" Tay said disgustedly. "Betcha think we all own fucking parrots too, huh? What a bastard!"

"What a bastard! What a bastard!" clucked a random unowned parrot serendipitously surfing the skies at that particular moment. Using her super-vision, Violet spotted a nametag strapping the parrot's neck which read, 'Any pronoun is fine, but my name is not Polly, and I don't want your fucking crackers.'

Maisie clucked her tongue, drawing Violet's attention back to the plot. "He thought he could fly under the radar by bellowing 'Arr, matey' this and 'feast yer eyes' that," Maisie said disgustedly. "Called a bunch of us 'wenches', too! As if he has the faintest idea how real pirates act, the stereotyping bastard! Then he started rambling something about being a king. Now he's back to pretending to be a pirate."

"I see," Violet said drily. "Somehow, none of this surprises me."

"Do you know him, then?"

Fazir fumbled with his eye patch, which had slipped down to obscure both his eyes, and then blinked up at them. His eyes found Violet, and she watched his expression morph from indignation to fury and finally settle on smugness.

"Well, well, well... if it isn't Violet Thayer." He sucked on his inhaler indulgently, like a deprived smoker finally provided with tobacco. "The Chosen One."

"Hello, King Fazir," said Violet.

"How did you know I was—you know what, never mind!" Fazir shrugged off the constraining hands of the tie-dyed pirate and stood ponderously, his tricorn hat wobbling almost as much as his beard. "I suppose you are wondering why I am here?"

"Not really..."

"I am here to accompany you, Violet Thayer. You see, I simply couldn't leave the fate of my kingdom in your hands—however capable those hands may be!—so I've come to lend my services. When the Whicher informed me you were coming this way, I snuck aboard this ship in secret in order to save you from these vicious pirates and rejoin you in your–ouch!"

"Watch who you're calling 'vicious'!" snapped Kelan, brandishing xir map.

Violet rubbed her forehead. "Didn't you disqualify me from this mission?"

"Is that what you heard? Must have been my lisp. I was trying to tell you how qualified you are." He flung his arms wide, dislodging the hook from his shirtsleeve. "Dis qualified!"

Violet frowned. "Well, as you can see, the quest to defeat the Dark Lord is in good hands. I suggest you return to your castle and your other kingly duties."

"This man is really a king?" said Maisie, her mouth dropping open. "We thought 'e was deluded."

"Yes!" Fazir leapt to his feet. "I am a king! And I am willing to give all the pirates on this ship vast amounts of money if you ensure that Violet Thayer cooperates—"