Of Phantoms and Thieves

Thanks

I've struggled with writing this story. With the end. I've taken such a long time trying to pull myself together. Those who have stuck with me; I don't know how you've done it. I've been absent for a ridiculous amount of time. I still take pleasure in writing. I'm still attempting to improve myself. But I needed to look myself over first. Responsibilities take priority and my own mind was deteriorating. It's been hard to focus. It's been hard to sleep and to eat.

I've found help. Some things you don't want to talk about or share with anyone. This new form of drug in life where everything seems perfect in everyone's life but yours. The story I have placed down for you is a reflection of my own. A form of entertainment taken from tragedy. I've lost friends these past years. I've lost valuable things and part of my old self. And while trauma is hard to share, I do have my fair share of problems. Voices in your head that warn you of fears. Intense moods where suddenly you're not yourself. You scare people around you and wonder if you're meant to last like this. You want to protect those you love from yourself.

I felt all of this through the course of this story. It's been a long trip. I've had my share of panic attacks. I've had my share of crying and sinking against the wall when no one is watching. Creating a character who reflects your problems to vent is what I did. And I did become obsessed because I found an escape through him. I'm not talking about Ren but this fantasy land was where I was in my absence. I was looking for self discovery. And I found that much of the problems given to him were what had been dished out on my plate. Events I've never shared in my life. Items of chaos that I never realized were trauma had popped up again in a new form. And I needed time to recover. I needed a way to cope.

While this story is tragic, so is life. I've been conflicted with duality and mental illness is real. Here I was joking to myself that everything was fine. That mental illness is a fun thing to toy with for plot. A hard topic but a topic nonetheless that is hardly addressed. And then I found myself in the same boat. I hadn't realized that I had been in that boat for the longest time. I just happened to break.

Now I'm here to address the problem. I've sought help and I've sought guidance. Because unlike my characters, I want to reach out for help. I want out of this ditch. I want out so I can continue to entertain readers like you. That eventually one day, it's not a joke anymore.

Thank you for all the love and support you guys have given me. It makes me sad to see this overdue closure but all things come to an end. Signing off for now.

-Anderkawasaki