Life Rolls On

chapter six

I have spent the last eight days avoiding Charlie.

I know, I know. I'm so unbelievably stupid for it. I get a step closer, and I push myself two steps back.

I'm scared though. I'm scared to face my feelings, I'm scared for him to find out. To truly know that every moment for the last eight years, my heart has beat for him.

Sure, I truly loved Oliver. But it never could've worked. Not with Charlie still in my life. No one could ever compare to him in this lifetime. My heart doesn't even ache anymore about him cheating, not since that first night.

Honestly, what I'm truly scared of, is to lose Charlie.

It's really an irrational fear, but we've been friends for too long to simply never speak again. I'm not saying it will happen, but if we do end up having some sort of relationship and it goes wrong...

Not only would I lose my boyfriend, I'd lose my best friend.

Loving him has always felt safe to me. I was always so sure nothing could ever happen, so I didn't have to worry about things like that. It was always just a silly little daydream in class or something to fall asleep to.

I never had to think about the repercussions.

My mother had always told me "Every action has a reaction".

Would pursuing this only hurt me more in the long run?

"Whatcha thinking about over there?" Sunny asks, startling me. I look over at her, sprawled out on the porch swing with a bag of gummy worms.

"Nothing much, just wonderin' if the swell is worth surfing." I bullshit.

She scoffs, throwing me a gummy that I promptly drop. Athleticism isn't my strongest suit,

"Girl, of course it's worth surfing."

I look out at the water, scrunching my nose. The weather has been shitty all week, not a day without rain. They've been talking about a massive swell that's supposed to roll in today because of the weather, and of course my friends wanted to surf it.

"Sun, they literally warned us not to go out on to the water today." I give her a blank stare, to which she rolls her eyes.

"Since when have we listened to what the news has to say? They're just being cautious. They're middle aged white men who are married to their jobs and forgot what it's like to have fun."

I laugh in response. "Last time we caught waves in weather like this you ate shit and had a black eye for two weeks."

"It was sick actually, Rainy looked all tough and not her usually book nerd self," We both jump as Porter skips up the steps and plops down next to Sunny.

"You love my book nerd self." Sunny grins, Porter only shrugging and grabbing the bag out of her hands.

"Lav, shut up and stop being boring. We're surfing today, no exceptions. Charlie's meeting us down there in a few minutes."

"But-" I start, but Porter immediately retorts back.

"Sh sh sh sh. Shhh. Hush. Accept your fate." I jut out my bottom lip in response. "Nahhh, don't give me the pout right now."

I pout even more, giving him the puppy dog eyes and crossing my arms.

"Bro, why are you even avoiding him?" Porter sighs. "You're making everything weird."

That's exactly what I was afraid of.

"Cause," I answer instead, throwing my hair up in a ponytail on top of my head.

"Good answer dickhead. Get outta your mood," Sunny chimes in.

I give them a fake smile and flip them off, grabbing my board and throwing it in the back of the van.

"Sick, so you're going!" Porter cheeses, standing up.

"Fuck no, y'all can walk." I run to the van, quickly locking the door. Porter yanks on the door handle, but he wasn't quick enough.

I start the car, and it stutters before it actually turns on.

Goldie is old. But we love Goldie. Goldie is the community piece of shit we drive around.

Light rain begins to patter on the windshield, and I groan. Of course there's more rain. The guilt gets to me, so I fold and let them into the car.

I speed off, a cloud of dust trailing behind us. Sunny opens all the windows and the sunroof from the passenger seat, and there's some old beachy song playing through the staticky radio.

I drive with my right hand, my left out the window. I watch as the waves crash onto shore, palm trees lining the road.

The swell was everything they said it would be. I know I should be slightly afraid, should be cautious, but it only excites me.

Sunny and Porter talk the entire time, and I feel at home.

Minus Charlie. It doesn't feel right without him here.

The nerves begin to rack up again as I remember I'm going to see him again.

We pull into our usually spot, and the rain is coming down harder. I see Charlie's mess of dark hair blowing around as he walks toward us with his board.

"Hey guys," He smiles, and his eyes linger on me. The eye contact is burning, and I look away.

I didn't want to look away.

Silently, I open the trunk, already completely soaked from the 30 seconds I've spent outside. We walk toward the beach like a pack of wet dogs, running towards the ocean.

The salt air and the shrieking of my friends make me feel like a kid again.

"I'm not gonna lie guys, this looks really rough," Sunny says reluctantly.

And it did. It somehow got worse during the car ride here. The swells were tall and violet, the trees on the beach beginning to bend from the wind.

The water was freezing, feeling like ice when the waves crash in front of you.

Lovely.

"You're the one who literally said we were being overdramatic." Porter yells back at her.

"Pussies!" I wink over my shoulder as I run in.

It was choppy even close to shore. We definitely shouldn't be out here, but I need to get away from Charlie and his eyes.

I hear them follow behind me, and I paddle to get as far ahead as I could.

The competition is settling in.

Porter catches the first wave before he wipes out, and I catch the one after.

Let me tell you, one of the best waves I've ever surfed. Until I wiped out.

It was a mess of rolling water blowing me around. I didn't know which way was up or down.

The cold water chilled me to my core, and it felt like I was tumbling forever. Almost like clothes in a washing machine.

By the time I reached air again, I was gasping desperately for air.

Not long after I got my first breathe, another wave hits me from behind as I'm forced to do it all over again.

However, this time, I didn't come back up.

I scramble through the water, trying to find my way, but as time goes on, my body gets weaker.

My vision, already dark, begins to get spotty.

And at some point, I stopped fighting.

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