The Fluffy Sofa ✔️

Date: Monday 30th August 2021

Yesterday was a rollercoaster of emotions. Being able to get up and ready really early to go meet Fin was pretty exhilarating to be honest. Obviously dad doesn't know that I am seeing someone and I think Felix couldn't care any less. So in my mind, there was no pressure to make sure everything went okay. Does that make sense? Like if they knew they'd be asking questions all the time which in turn would make my head want to explode with anxiety.

So I got ready, tiptoed out of the house and down to the garden gate where Fin stood waiting. The smile that erupted on his face caused butterflies to swoop around my stomach. He reached out and took my hand. My sweaty, nervous hand. How gross. But I loved it. Every now and then as we walked around the streets on the quiet morning, his thumb circled my hand, slowly caressing it.

At one point, Uncle Zane, we passed your house. With your car on the drive and the light on in your bedroom. So you're not on holiday. Maybe dad got confused, which is fine of course. But when I questioned him about it, his face turned white and he shook his head. He seemed to get a bit annoyed with the fact that I had found out that he lied. He said, 'just leave it, Octavia, for Christ's sake, just leave it and move on for your own wellbeing.' What does that mean?

Going back to when I was out with Fin, something strange happened to me. We had a lovely walk. Something out of a book or movie. With the morning breeze and the silence the streets held, it was almost perfect. But when Fin moved closer to me to kiss me, it felt as if I had been stabbed in the stomach. Butterflies were gone and replaced with a million knives. My whole body itched and I was overcome with a sense of dread. It took all my might not to run away. I seriously like Fin, so why did him kissing me make me feel like that? I'm just so confused.

Right now, I'm back at home and mum is still the same: empty shell. No real responses to her when we asked her how her weekend was. I did notice an empty bottle of vodka on the side, but that didn't necessarily mean that she drank it all. It could have been a quarter full or something. Felix and I shared a look that was between sympathy and worry.

There's nothing I want more than to tell mum all about Fin, but I know she wouldn't really care. So maybe telling her would do more harm to me than anything. I'll avoid that then.

It's a week until school starts so I know for the rest of this week it's going to be chaos trying to get everything ready and in order before we go back. Felix and I are going to the school uniform shop later on to pick up our uniforms that mum ordered a while ago. With everything going on, she forgot about having to pick them up so when she got a text message reminding her that they were ready, I offered to take Felix to go grab them for her. She did look quite grateful though and she did smile before pulling me into a hug. Something she hasn't done in a while. It was nice. Made me feel loved. I missed it.

I'm going to try and shake the feeling away that I got from Fin, because surely it is ridiculous feeling like that when he is so nice. There is no real reason for me to feel like that. I'm just such a moron. Maybe it was a combination of nerves and the chance that anyone could have seen us, dad included. Yeah, that is probably what it was.

Also I'm really hoping I'll be able to see you soon. Just wish I had your number still. I think it's so weird that only your number disappeared from my phone. Oh well, I'm sure when I do see you that you'll re-give me it!

Laters, Uncle Zane.