The Fluffy Sofa ✔️

Date: Saturday 18th September 2021

{content warning}

My whole life is a massive mess right now. I hurt myself again last night when I finally got home from the police station. Everything is getting too much. Like for real, what is my life becoming? My uncle drugged and raped me countless times over the years, my parents had some weird deal with said uncle so my mum could sleep with him; and my best friend's boyfriend just nearly killed him!

Zane was taken to the hospital where he is in a coma and he still does have brain activity so they think he will wake up and he should be almost fine if not a few issues like difficulty talking and walking. But the doctors said if that's the case then they can help him do those things again. He'll still be in police custody though. Probably.

When I was at the police station they informed me that my mum said it could actually be possible for Zane to be my dad, however due to the fact that he and my dad are identical twins, there is no way of knowing. And that fact creeps the living shit out of me. Knowing that there is a possibility that I could have some psycho's DNA makes my skin crawl. So not only did Zane sexually abuse a child, repeatedly, its possible that he committed incest as well. Makes me want to throw up.

I think Jakob was arrested and is being held on GBH charges due to the fact that Zane is still alive. But it is probable that the charge could be changed into murder if Zane's brain activity diminishes. This is all too much for a 15 year old to handle.

Fin insisted on staying with me last night when we got home, but I told him I'd see him another time and that I loved him. It was the first time I'd said it and I truly meant it. What other guy would stay with me with all this going on? Definitely a keeper.

I just had a massive urge to rip my skin to bits. I felt ugly and disgusting and I sort of craved that feeling that I got from it yesterday. Sitting on the toilet with the door locked, I stared at my razor that lay innocently on the bath. It was as if it was calling to me, begging me to grab it and slice away my skin. My hand shook as I reached out to take it, my heart beating hard as hell; scared for the pain but yearning for it at the same time. The plastic handle felt different in my hand, almost foreign. This time it had a different use. This time I wasn't making myself pretty with it, I was making myself ugly. Like I felt on the inside.

Is this feeling ever going to stop? Yes I have Fin, but it's early days in our relationship and he could get bored of this. There seems to always be something that's happening to me. I'm over it. I'm absolutely exhausted all the time. With toilet roll wrapped around my thighs, I stood up to look in the medicine cupboard above the sink. Sleeping pills.

I knew that when Zane drugged me he used sleeping pills, but I never slept for that long really. So I decided to just take a handful because I just want to sleep for a long time. I'll feel better when I wake up. Bye.