The Fluffy Sofa ✔️

Date: Tuesday 7th September 2021

After yesterday's first day antics, today was more or less normal. We dove straight into exam prep and all that bullshit but I just couldn't sit still. I couldn't relax. I didn't feel right. I felt sort of disconnected - does that make sense? Everything the teachers were saying just didn't sink in. My friends had to repeat everything twice. I just felt overall strange.

I was texting Fin all day and he basically made me feel more human. He was so worried about me because he said I was really out of it last night. He said that I was being quite verbally violent at times; shouting at him then silence, then crying. Eventually, once he got me to my bedroom, I passed out asleep again for like 4 hours. I know I'm a sleepy person but come on.

I don't remember any of that though. All I remember was getting to your house and I asked you all those questions. I remember crying and then it's blank until I woke up in Fin's arms. And then from then until I got into bed it's like a fractured memory. Things are missing. I don't know. It must be exhaustion catching up to me because of all this crap our family is going through.

I'm going to try to get into the habit now of making sure I write down things that have happened otherwise I fear that I'll forget. I know you can't read any of this but it does seem quite soothing. I think once this journal is full I'm going to get another one, but not necessarily write to you though. No offence. It's as if a weight is lifted off my shoulders when I get my thoughts out. Therapeutic actually. Perhaps mum would benefit from one.

Speaking of mum, I heard her crying in her room this morning as I was getting ready for school. Obviously she was trying to be quiet but I couldn't help but try to take in every sound I heard. She repeated the words "why me" over and over again and the more she said it the more upset she got. It took all of my might not to barge in there and give her a big hug. Unfortunately, I know that mum doesn't want my help. I've offered to be a shoulder to cry on but she says she doesn't want to involve me. She's in such emotional pain, and no matter what she's said to me during this dark time in her life, I obviously still love her with all my heart.

Tilly, Harley, and Esme, came round after school today. We hung out in my teeny tiny bedroom. However it was quite fun and cosy. We sat in a little circle on my bedroom floor and we just talked and talked. It was so nice. Esme is the youngest in our group, being in the year below, and she is the most innocent, adorable person there could be. With thick, curly blonde hair she radiates sunshine even on a cloudy day. Harley, on the other hand, is the opposite. Her jet black dyed hair is short in a pixie cut and her eyes are circled in thick, black eyeliner. On the outside she looks hard and mean, but she's actually a marshmallow on the inside. My little friendship group is the light of my life. To be honest, I don't think anything could ever ruin it.

We talk about boys and exams and everything in between. I've told them all about my mum and my dad; what happened with you, and all my thoughts and feelings about it all. They are so supportive in anything that happens. I mentioned thinking about going all the way with Fin and they were so concerned, making sure that it is definitely what I want. Once they got my 100% answer, we dove straight into everything sex.

Harley lost her virginity last year when she was 14 with her ex boyfriend Joshua. She regretted it so much because not only did he dump her a few days after it happened, she actually got pregnant. It was awful seeing her go through the abortion, but ultimately, it was the best decision for her. Her home life is the worst and bringing a child into that definitely wouldn't have helped the situation.

Tilly says she is actually going to be having sex for the first time this weekend with Jakob! I'm excited for her because she is properly loved up with him and I'm positive he'll treat her like a princess the whole way through. Esme says she is never ever having sex. She cringes every time it's brought up which is pretty sweet.

I did have an ex boyfriend last year called Nathan and everyone seems to think we had sex but we didn't. You know all about that don't you, Uncle Zane. I was in tears for weeks afterwards because the relationship only lasted 3 weeks yet he managed to make everyone think I begged for it. A lot of my emotions from the weeks following that breakup are pretty much erased from my memory. I don't remember being so upset about it, but clearly I was. Strange times in my life that I know I won't ever have to relive. Fin, at least, wouldn't do that to me.

Anyway, it's basically bed time right now so I'm going to get ready and sleep. Laters.