The Fluffy Sofa ✔️

Date: Monday 13th September 2021.

{content warning}

I obviously didn't go to school today. Instead, I spent my morning giving the police my statement. Going through all the details, no matter how tiny, was both unbearable and heartbreaking. Having to relive it again and again as we refined the statement and made sure every detail was in there, felt like I was being stabbed in the stomach over and over again.

My head pounded from all the crying and the throwing up I'd endured for the past 2 days. I just wanted the police officers to hurry up and leave our little flat and perhaps give us some space for normality to come back. Unfortunately, that wasn't on the cards, at least for the near future.

One of the police officers informed my mum, whilst they believed I wasn't listening, that Uncle Zane is missing. As soon as I got to the hospital on Saturday morning, they went straight over there to bring him in. After kicking his door in, he was nowhere to be seen. His room had been ransacked and it seemed as if he'd packed a bag of essentials and ran away. Such a coward.

He was so smug when he told me what he'd done to me and even more so after he raped me again. He acted as if he was untouchable. As if even though he'd told me, he somehow thought he'd be able to get away with it. Well now that he's missing it just screams guilty, surely.

It keeps going around my head about what he said about him and my mum sleeping together as a deal with my dad. It just doesn't sit quite right with me. How long had this arrangement been going on for? Perhaps it had only just started as I know it was maybe a couple years ago that I'd heard mum and dad fighting about not spending time together and stuff. Maybe that's when they made the arrangement. Or maybe it's been longer. I just don't know whether or not to mention it to my mum. She's obviously gone through a lot and I wouldn't want her to get even more upset. I think I will ask eventually though.

My phone keeps vibrating with texts from the girls and even a few from Jakob asking what has happened and if I'm okay. I just didn't know what to say to them so I've asked them to come around after school tomorrow and we can talk then. Jakob is even coming. But perhaps that's just to be with Tilly, who knows. Either way, I'm grateful for the support. Having Fin there as I tell them will help so much as well.

Once everything had calmed down and the police left, I went back into my room which now looked pretty shell-like. I had many family photos on the walls, so many fluffy things, and even my dressing table needed to go, because he built it for me. Too many memories. He was so close to me. Made out that I was a special person but he only thought that because he'd been abusing me without my knowledge for years.

It's as if my whole personality has been ripped out of me. I truly feel like a completely different person and it's actually scaring me. My whole body is numb. I just want to pinch myself or something. I need to feel something, something that's not utter heartbreak.

I stared at the tweezers sitting innocently on the dresser. Inching closer to them, thoughts whirled around my mind, different thoughts. To get them tweezers and just go pulling at my skin. But the thoughts were pushed to the back of my mind when a tiny knock sounded at my door.

It was Felix. He looked distraught himself. He didn't fully understand what had happened, but he knew that it wasn't good and that I'd been hurt pretty bad. Felix launched his tiny body against mine and despite the fact that it hurt like a bitch, I welcomed it. I could feel his small whimpers as he silently cried into my chest. He told me he was sorry. He didn't need to be sorry for anything. I told him that and he just shook his head and told me that nothing bad should ever happen to big sisters. Right there and then my heart melted. My poor brother. He didn't need to deal with all this unhappiness and tragedy. Time to put a happy face on.