erm. this is kind of old pls don't judge us also everything is a joke. so.
Co-written by @mitskisloveforonions (go check out the version on her profile, it's so sexy), @arielcarter04, and @DAPODDIE,
PG version available.
Now on AO3: https://archive...
"Y-y-y-y-yeah" harry and nail said, blushing as they looked up at his muscled green form submissively. I rolled my eyes and stared at my own brain for a little bit to avoid seeing the looks shrek and harry and nail were giving each other, IN MY HOUSE! Gosh, i would tell them to get a room, but we don't do THAT in this house
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A/N: just wanted to clarify that the writers are proud supporters and members of the lgbtqia+ community and all the whitney chewston and no homo bits are all jokes intended to mock homophobes, not lgbtqia+ ppl! BE WHO YOU AREE. FOR YOUR PRIIIDE. DON'T HIDE.
I cannot wait for them to LEAVE THIS UNIVERSE. Whatever that meant, idc as long as they're not on my perfect slay plane of existence.
Shrek began to chant the lyrics to texas reznikoff by mitski over the pentagram we had carefully drawn out in liquorice flavoured lube (it was the only dark liquid in the house ok geez) on the kitchen floor and dining table. Then he stopped bc we had forgot to stack them, so he used his bulging green muscles (lol i bet that's not the only bulging green thing in this room rn) to lift up the table and sit it down directly over the pentragram on the floor as harry and nail cowered sexily in the corner.
The lights dimmed as shrek began to light the candles and chant. "Mmm witch mmm twitch mmmm bitch mfing right this is world war six this right here might make a bitch cry..." he proceeded to rap the rest of roman holiday by nicki minaj in a very scary creepy monotone cultish way. "COME ALL YE FAITHFUL JOYFUL AND TRIUMPHANT AM ROMAN ZOLANSKI" all the lights went out suddenly, a cold breeze drifting through the house.
"ok , nail and hairy, you go first. Then i'll go, then arabella can close it, ok?" shrek said comandingly.
"Yes sir" hairy and nail whimpered.
"W8 idk how to close a portal" i exclaimed. I hate this mf why is he like that? Ugh some ppl or some ogres should i say.
"You'll know when you need to" he murmured, and with that he picked up harry and dunked him into the table basket ball style, but he missed and hairy fell on the ground lol. He picked him up and dunked him again and this time he disaperd into a flash of lite!! Zamnn okayyy shrek ;). Anyway, he did the same with naill and he too fell through the table and disappeared.
"Thanks for ur help arabella, we couldnt have done this without you" he said nobbly. I just rolled my eyes and shoved him towards the table.
"Get out of my house stinky fa- man." he jumped high into the air then he was gone.
God, that was weird I thought in a slay way. I still had no idee how to close that dumb lube pentagram so i just got my stick from harry and my room and smashed the table to stupid fugly little licorice flavoured pieces, smudging the pentagrams in the process. Whew, glad that's over.
"'Ello Bell Bell." I heard a soft voice behind me, turning around to see...
"Harry!" I flew into his arms (literally lol i'm part fairy) happily. "I thought I lost you babykins!"
"Wot?" he said confusedly, his brain struggling to compute what in the fifty shades of hot neon pink I was talking about.
"Omg, I have so much to tell you!" I exclaimed at his furrowed brows.
"Ok honey kiwi watermelon sugar as it was golden fine line little freak babe, we have our whole lives."
I willingly lovingly eckscelemed whayt had happened but ofc harry's silly little english brein couldnit understand it so i gav up and just wentn on with my day. Me and harreh went to the bri'ish park near ma house and like, hung out and it was cool yk??? Anyways thats the end of the chapter and we lived happily ever after.
