How the Mighty Fall (The Sinner #1)

SIN 10

Kairos

I want to point a gun to my head and shoot myself for being here.

Several years have passed since the last I've been in this place. Back when my mother was trying so hard to humanize me.

I gripped the steering wheel as I watched the spanish heritage church through my car window.

Memories are a fucking bitch. If I could just wipe out the first ten years of my life, I would. I was already a hundred times more fucked up than kids my age back then. But back then, that ten year old boy still had a small part of him that was human. I was such a fool that I even made promises.

Past

My mother crouched down in front of me, cleaning wounds from my knuckles. She was horrified when she saw. I can't say we are the same in that regard. Smashing my classmate's face felt better than summer vacation.

"The fucker deserved it," blangko kong sabi.

Her face shot up. Her expression looked pained. Bad ba yung sinabi ko? Pinoprotektahan ko lang naman ang sarili ko. A student from a higher grade level picked on me dahil mas bata raw ako sa kanya.

Ngunit nanikip pa rin ang aking dibdib nang makita ang disappointment sa mukha ng aking ina.

"Galit po ba kayo sa akin, mama?" I blinked. "Binubully ako nung schoolmate ko at hindi siya nadadala sa pagsusumbong lang."

Her gentle smile did not reach her eyes. Then she sighed.

Of course, mama can see through my lies. Alam niyang wala sa ugali ko ang magsumbong at hingiin ang tulong ng iba. I'm the type who takes matters in my own hands. I'm a big boy. Like what my father would want me to be.

And hope filled my chest.

If my papa knows of what I did today, maybe he'll stop hurting mama and resenting me and my brothers for having Spanish blood and not Italian.

My father is a bad man. But I want him to approve of me.

"Sana hindi ka lumaki na bayolente, anak," mama murmured while her fingers combed my hair. It's mid afternoon on a Saturday as we sit on a long chair inside the church that my mama loves so much.

Vashka stood quitetly by the church's entrance. He hates churches. Si Atlas naman ay hindi matigil ng pagtakbo.

As the eldest of us three, I can't say no to my mama. She trusts me to be the levelheaded one.

"I need to protect you, mama," kontra ko. "Kailangan kong matuto para kaya kong labanan si papa."

"You don't need to protect me," she chuckles bitterly. "Mahal ako ng papa mo. And I love him."

"Do you hurt the people you love?" I pointed to the bruise on her arm.

Her eyes instantly moistened. These days, madalas umiiyak si mama.

"Your papa loves me," pagtatanggol niya pa rin si papa. "Kasalanan ko rin naman kung bakit ganito kami. I'm selfish, anak. Your papa told me he love me and wanted to marry me. And I said yes kahit alam kong kalaunan ay pagsisisihan niya. I did not push him away hard enough."