Wreaking Havoc

quattuordecim

Friday.

I was back at our home—this damned place which feels like it was cursed. As much as I didn't want to transfer back because I didn't want to see my mom, they practically forced me back kaya wala na rin akong magawa. Ayaw ko namang ma-stress pa lalo kung ipipilit ko na sa condo lang ako... mas okay na rin because my condo was much more accessible for Eli and I didn't want to see him at this point anymore dahil pakiramdam ko babawiin ko lang lahat ng sinabi ko.

We didn't have classes pero hindi pa rin ako nakatulog nang maayos, but I didn't want to sacrifice my health because I know that'd greatly affect my child kaya kahit gusto ko na lang magmukmok magdamag ay pinilit ko na lang matulog. Downside is, I kept on waking up every other hour that I almost wanted to resort to my sleeping pills but I knew I had to avoid them at all cost. 

I reached for my tumbler para uminom ng tubig pero napatingin ako sa phone ko na puno na yata ng texts ni Eli. I didn't bother reading them anymore because they all looked gibberish... he was probably drunk texting.

I sighed at napaupo na lang sa gilid ng kama. My eyes were still swollen from all that crying and my chest still feels tight. Eli still kept on texting and calling me and he was probably drinking with his friends from law school, but I didn't want to give him any more hope... It'd probably be better if he'll hate me for the rest of his life because I was sure if mom sends me away, she'd make sure I will never come back home. 

That's how much she loves to power play. 

Maybe that's why she once told in a thanksgiving party that showbiz only paved her way to politics—because she was meant to be there... Because she has too much greed to feed that showbiz isn't enough to satisfy her hunger for power. Ni hindi nga siya nakuntento that dad became a Chief Justice even though we had to practically eat death threats for breakfast and just swallow them because she chose this life for us to have.

A life filled with regrets and fear.

And maybe because of how controlling she was, our family just kept on having lots of enemies that do not even fear pointing guns at our heads.

I hated this life... I hated how I fear for my life every fucking day. 

Sabi nila I should just indulge with this power I have as an Avelino-Villarama because I wouldn't be Therese Eleanor without them... but I never claimed it to be mine, and I never needed it in the first place. I didn't even care about my mother's parents' status in life or how rich they are because they were A-listers in the showbusiness or how my grandparents from my father were politicians... sure, I liked the privilege, I would lie if I say I didn't like the privilege of having all the means.

But that came with a price to pay, and for me—it's getting robbed of a life that I deserved because, for them, I was just no one but their child accessory. 

Someone they needed to groom their family name aside from connections they've made. Of course, they'd never like someone like Elias. Para sa kanila, marriage and relationships aren't always about love—for people like us, it's for convenience and protection... nothing more.

My phone has been buzzing nonstop with Elias' messages kaya pinatay ko na lang at lumabas na ng kwarto. Hindi ko mapigilang maawa sa'ming dalawa... pareho lang naman kasi kaming naiipit sa gulo ng pamilya ko. And yet I again, I knew Elias deserved someone who wouldn't hurt him as I did... I knew how my words hurt—even I could taste how bitter they were when they just slipped right out of my mouth. Seeing Elias hurting and crying in front of me felt like torture that I just wanted to stop and hug him and tell him that I was sorry.

But we needed to hurt for us to survive.

Life's just really unfair like that.

"Therese," mom called as she opened the door to my room. Napatingin lang ako sa kaniya na prenteng umupo lang sa may sofa habang hawak-hawak 'yung plane ticket ko papuntang New York, "Here are your tickets."