To Hell and Back Again

Chapter Thirty

Eddie woke up. His arms wrapped tightly around Steve's body, both of them lying on the couch. Eddie didn't get up right away as he does. Instead, he laid quietly next to his lover. His face was resting on Steve's shoulder. There was an intense fear that overwhelmed him. He didn't want to lose Steve and if he let go it could happen at anytime. Eddie slid his arm out from underneath Steve, jostling his body around a bit. Eddie stood up slowly, leaving Steve to sleep. He quietly stepped up the stairs, careful of the spots the creaked under pressure. He got to Steve's room as quietly as possible, closing the door behind him and let out a silent huff. He took off his shirt, tossing it to the laundry basket that sat next to Steve's dresser. He took a shirt off a hook in Steve's closet. He quickly slid it on then pulled off his pajama pants, tossing them like the shirt. He rummaged through the drawer, designated to Eddie when he moved in. His black jeans were missing. He opened each drawer, searching for his precious black jeans, the ones with the holes scattered around the legs. Eddie's eyes met a stack of letters. To Mom, To Robin, To Dustin, To Nancy, To Eddie... Eddie looked towards the door, making sure he was alone. He took the thick envelope with his name on it, sliding his finger across the top of the seal, ripping it open. His eyes scanned through the letter.

Eddie,
God, I'm going to miss you. Every single day we've spent together feels like a new experience. Every single moment we're together feels like a new reason why I can't imagine my life without you. You're my everything, and I mean that quite literally. I love every single bit of you, I love your eyes, your tattoos, your hair, your smile... don't even get me started on your smile. It's intoxicating. We should have had the rest of our lives together. We should have the opportunity to grow old together. There's so many things you haven't found out about me yet. Like how every morning I make you a cup of coffee and I add just the slightest bit of sugar into it because even though you insist you like black coffee, you really don't, you like black coffee with sugar. You don't know that I hide the peanut butter so you can't eat it because the reason it makes your tongue tingle is because you're allergic to it, dumbass. You also don't know that every time you go grocery shopping and bring home one of those god awful bottles of three-in-one shampoos, I dump out the shampoo and replace it with normal shampoo. That's why your hair has been so soft recently. There are so many things I do for you, Ed. I'm worried you won't be able to live without me. So this is why I'm telling you, black coffee WITH SUGAR, no peanut butter, and no three-in-one shampoo. When I'm gone please, please, please move on. Please find someone who is just as good for you as I was. It sounds a little narcissistic but you know it's true. Please stick with Robin and Dustin. Find someone who makes you happy, and please forget about me. Don't hold onto me for the rest of your life. I want you to have a happy ending even if I can't give it to you. I love you so much, Ed. I will always love you. I will always, always, always love you. So that's why I have to go. I have to leave so you can have someone who doesn't have so much baggage. Even if this is the worst possible way to go, it needs to happen. You need someone who won't break down at conflict, someone who doesn't wake up crying from stupid dreams, someone who doesn't have a problem with pills. You need someone who can spend their days with you happy and I can't give that to you. I cant give you the happiness you deserve. I cant give you that false hope of a future that I can't possibly give to you. It hurts me, Ed. It hurts me to know that you are how you are and you're going to hold onto me for a long ass time after I'm gone. Go find yourself someone who is always going to be there, unlike how I've been. Someone who is tall, someone who has a bit of muscle, I know how much you love crystal blue eyes. Think about how much happier you could be if you move on. Find someone who wants to settle with you. Someone who can devote their entire life to you. Except if they wear tight David Bowie pants then don't get with them. I didn't like how you looked at Bowie while we watched that movie. I was right next to you and you were still staring right at his ass. Also, if their name is Steve you can't date them either, that's weird. You also can't date anyone who sings better than you. That'll make you mad so don't do it.
You gotta start sticking up for yourself, too. If someone says something to you then you need to stick up for yourself, tell them off. Make them pay. Remember when you said that to me? You make them pay, Eddie. I don't want you to let people walk all over you. You don't for the most part but I know that you love just walking away from conflict. So for me, don't let people hurt you.
Ed, I knew I would love you from the second you held that broken bottle up to my neck. Normal people would be terrified. I thought it was kind of hot. I knew I would love you the second you gave me that vest. You're so selfless, you're so brave. Ed, you're my hero. I may have gone into the upside down to save you but let's be honest, you save me. You saved me, Ed. Ive never ever felt this way about anyone else... that's why I'm writing this letter, I'm sorry it's stupid. But really, It's amazing that I wasn't even gay! I wasn't! At all! Then this mysterious metal dude walked into my life and I couldn't shake the unbearable feeling that we were supposed to be together. Dustin wanted to take you home. After we pulled you out of the upside down. Dustin insisted he take you back home and you could sleep on his couch. He insisted, but I wanted you to be with me. I wanted you to come back with me so I could make sure you were okay. That night, when you told me you didn't want to be alone and you climbed into bed with me, I was terrified of what could happen. I remember thinking to myself 'holy fuck.' Because I just couldn't believe that Eddie Munson was in my bed. I didn't understand at the time what it meant, the twisty, fluttery feeling in my stomach. I should have known then. I should have known when I got all giggly when I talked about you, like a middle school girl ya know? I swear Robin even caught me twirling my hair around my finger one time. I am so fucking happy that I took you home. I'm so glad that I got to go back for you. I'm going to miss your kisses goodnight, your charming smile, your sweet sweet eyes. And the hot hot sex, Eddie. I'm going to miss your touch, your hands. I'm going to miss it all.
Please, Ed, take care of yourself. Don't let me drag you down. Don't let me ruin your life. When I'm gone you need to move on. Stay in touch with Robin and Dustin. Nancy too, she'll need someone. Don't distance yourself. Invite the kids over at least once a week for one of your iconic spaghetti dinners, because that's the only thing you know how to cook. Keep yourself going without me, Ed. I'm not leaving you for good. I'll see you again some day. We both know it's true. No matter what it is, heaven or some other after life, I'm not sure, just keep in mind that we will see each other again. I love you, Darling. I love you more than anything.
- Lover Boy