Hardest to Lose (Villaraza Series #4)

35 | Bago

35 | Bago

__________

“You probably hated me when I teased you about boys.”

I audibly smiled and hugged her tight. “You have no idea.”

Emotions had finally calmed down. When I thought it was the end of it, Mommy came in my room and insisted that we should sleep together. Sino ba naman ako para humindi?

“Akala ko itatakwil niyo talaga ‘ko,” I told her as she affectionately caressed my hair.

“Kung nalaman ko nang mas maaga, I could have. But your mother just recently opened her mind.” She kissed the top of my head. “I’m sorry for everything I said before about the things I didn’t understand.”

Nanikip ang dibdib ko sa tuwa. “You’re forgiven.”

I expected the worst from them. Never in my wildest dreams had I ever prepared for this warmth.

Ang suwerte ko pala.

Mommy sniffled and hugged me tighter. “Oh, my baby . . .”

My lips curved downward. “Mom, ayoko nang umiyak. Kaya tumahan ka na, utang na loob.”

“Iniisip ko lang kasi kung,” she noisily swallowed, “anong iniisip mo nang mga panahong ‘yon . . .”

I pressed my lips against each other. When I was about to smile and assure her there was no need to reminisce, a lone tear fell from my eye. Nasagot noon ang tanong niya kaya mas lalo siyang naging emosyonal.

I couldn’t deny the pain they had inflicted in me for years. As much as I was proud of who I became to be, I could never celebrate the fact that I had drawn such strength from fear. I was afraid to be abandoned. It even came to the point of trying to master everything. So that if they if anyone would discard me for being ‘different,’ they could consider my value.

Kasi, hindi ba, kung lesbian ka lang o bakla at walang ibang talento, hindi ka naman madalas binibigyang halaga? Because we are not generally accepted, we have to be valuable. Because we aren’t ‘normal,’ we have to prove that we are worthy, too.

“Iñara!”

Tumigil ako at nilingon ang tumawag. It was Xavier who looked like he ran a mile. Tagaktak ang pawis niya at hindi ko maintindihan ang ekspresyon.

“Kanina pa kita tinatawag!”

“Oh, sorry.” Inalis ko ang headset. “Bakit? Ano nga palang meron?”

“How was your date with Markus?” he asked in bated breaths.

“Oh, we . . . didn’t have the date.”

Napamulagat siya. “Bakit?”

“Something came up.”

Oo nga pala. Kailangan kong bumawi sa lalaking iyon.

Mabagal na tumango-tango si Xavier. He was transparent and I knew he was relieved. Napailing-iling na lang ako habang nangingiti.

“Do you still like me, Xav?” I asked.

Natameme siya nang ilang segundo bago siya kabadong ngumiti. “O-oo naman. You know, I just lay low recently because I didn’t want to offend you. Ayokong makulitan ka sa ‘kin. But definitely—“

“I’m lesbian.”

Dahan-dahan ko siyang nilingon. Awang ang kanyang bibig at tila naghahangad pang ulitin ko ang sinabi ko. I wanted to be serious but he looked so funny that I wasn’t able to help myself from laughing. Mas lalong nalukot ang mukha niya roon.