Dear Diary

April 15 2015

Dear diary
It's been a while. I have been avoiding thinking about my feelings or expressing them. I always have a good healthy thing. More accurately, I have been avoiding thinking about my feelings in a healthy way. They have sucked me under and kept me in bed for almost whole weekends. They have diminished my appetite, which at least has had the nice benefit of helping me have some portion control and drop some unnecessary weight. Usually I eat my feelings, so this whole lack of appetite thing is foreign to me, or was before this last year. I don't really want to talk about my feelings. They are painful and they will be real and ugly here in my diary. And I feel i'll never be able to fix anything anyways. I don't seem to be getting any better and the same annoying things that drag me down into horrible abysses of anxiety just rearing their ugly head. I have the same anxieties I was having at 12 and I'm 15 now. Awesome. I keep thinking about my alcoholic friend. I haven't heard from her since January. Her sister came over a few weeks ago and helped me go through things of hers I was holding that I should have gotten rid of a long time ago since they were a huge blaring monument to my codependency. I felt good, but I also felt a huge weight lifted. Now I have a very small box of things with mail to her family. If I ever find out their addresses because I'm not texting, emailing, or Facebooking her she won't answer, And she will make me cry wether she is mean on manipulative or something in between, I know it will rip my heart. Having made it past that stuff I am now onto facing the reality that she is out of my life. I miss her when I think Wayback, but I also have embrace the reality that she's not that person now and that makes me sad. But I also still feel a sense of failure. I failed her as a friend. I failed to keep her as a friend. I have lost another friend. I lost lots of people are in a matter of months now other friends don't seem to be totally loving me and I am having the same panicky, horrible, rational feeling I will be so truly alone. No one wants to love me. But see, there's those feelings I said I didn't want to talk about slipped out now. So I now find myself wondering when I will hear that she is dead. Will she lived for years? Is she already dead? Is her liver about to go? Will she overdose? Will she do something stupid when she's drunk and high? Will she just get tied up with other equally stupid people stupid time and have something horrible happened to her? If she does, will I get a phone call from her family? It's a real fear. She kept saying that The last few years we were in contact that she wanted to live hard and die young. I think that was her way of pretending she chooses to have her addiction and sink into it but I think she has embraced her morality. In a scary scary way. We're still friends on Facebook I see her post a while back she was online every once a while and I totally could have tried to chat. The way I know my heart has changed is that I didn't want to have ended in tears but I do want to know if she's doing okay. I hope she's doing better. I want to believe she is, and somehow I overestimated her addiction and the direction she is hurting because of it. But I'm pretty sure I haven't.