Dear diary
Had a huge anxiety attack yesterday. I didn't really identify it as one fully until the very end. It was triggered by something that happened around noon and it continued until about midnight. I cried so hard at the end that I have sore crying muscles in my chest and stomach. I figured out near the end that I was feeling like crap for some very specific reasons. It was, I realized, based on a feeling of panic due to fear of abandonment. Still can't figure out why I have such a deep fear. I mean, I can think of different things from my adolescence on, but what started this irrational panic I have? The feeling of panic I was feeling due to the perceived abandonment was exacerbated by the fact that I couldn't get hold of any of my friends. One of my friends was having a crappy day herself, and my BFF was too stressed out and made it pretty clear that she did not have time to chat yesterday. She would have found a way to make it work had she realized the condition I was in, as would my other friend, but of course I shut down and isolated because I don't want to be a nuisance to my friends. Because, you know, they might get sick of me and leave. Even writing about the feelings I was having yesterday is making me feel a little bit sick right at the bottom of my rib cage. Usually with anxiety I feel it in my heart (and I mean my emotional/spiritual heart, not the organ, if that makes sense). With this anxiety, it seems closer to my gut, and I swear I felt something ping last night when I started realizing what it was that was hurting me. I'm delving into deep feelings. And I don't understand why they impact me so deeply.my friend asked me what I was going to do for "self care" tonight. I am lying on my bed watching TV. Or staring into space. I alternate. I don't think that's what she meant. I should read or something. Writing is self-care, so at least I can tell her I did that. But I kind of just want to be numb. And doing more than lying here staring at the TV or space makes me think, which makes me not numb. I don't like it.
YOU ARE READING
Dear Diary
Teen FictionA teenage girl goes through some rough patches in her life and has no one to talk to so instead she writes… in her diary. Her diary is like an escape from the rest of the world. While she writes page after page she figures out that her diary is the...
