Dear Diary

April 28 2015

Dear diary
Often depressed people deal with anxiety. I'm the lucky winner of a good shot of anxiety from time to time. Today I had a fun little anxiety attack quickly followed by a strong dose of Ijustwanttogotosleepitis.
It took me a while to realize what exactly had happened. My anxiety attacks sometimes feel like they are just me being really emotional and weak like I always am (a thought that also seems to come from the depression), and I don't always realize what they are. Usually I don't realize what it is until I calm down. So I had this anxiety attack because I got in a fight with my best friend. My best friend who used to be my boyfriend. But that's a story for another time. Anyways, this fight caused me to flash back to a best friend from the past, who rather abruptly relieved me of the best friend status. We had the type of friendship where we talked about growing old together and living next to each other and all that goofy stuff girls plan together. And every once in a while, when I get in a fight with my best friend, I have what he assures me is an anxiety attack spurred by what he assures me is my irrational fear that he, too, will suddenly uproot himself from my life, leaving a big dark ugly void and the opportunity to go spiraling deeper into depression. Today was one of those days. I'm still not completely convinced it's an irrational fear, considering how easily and almost gleefully (and sometimes cruelly) he can argue with me. I literally found myself feeling ill. One minute I was pretty darn irritated with him for being a big fat jerk, and the next moment I was panicking. I was thinking, what if he NEVER answer the phone when I call? What if he doesn't answer those two texts I just sent? What if he really is done spending time with me? What if he moves and I never see him again (he doesn't tend to stay in one state for too long, so that is not as irrational as it sounds)? What if he dumps me like he's dumped other friends? What if his tendency not to consider my feelings is a symptom of a failing friendship? And the thoughts went on and on... It's like I have a little anxious hampster running on an anxiety wheel in my head. A very squeeky wheel that just. doesn't. stop. Finally that subsided and I was left feeling ready to puke at the thought of food (minutes before I had been STARVING, another possible symptom of my depression- more on eating my feelings in further posts). And then there was just the overwhelming weight that seemed to pin me where I was laying in the living room. I had lost the will to do ANYTHING further today. All I could think to do was lay there. The thoughts had finally thought and I just wanted sleep, or mindless tv, or something that didn't require me to do anything but sit there. This was further complicated by my roommate that I was hiding this fight from, because she seems to hate Best Friend and I cannot deal with drama. It stresses me out and could easily lead to more anxiety attacks, and I just don't have the strength for that. So I was exhausted and using what little interest I had in doing anything, what with the apathy and all, to focus my energy on maintaining a fairly calm facade. Cover story, as usual: I don't feel good. Not even a lie. I feel like crap. Just not saying why. If she asks why, I can even describe how I feel physically: I feel nauseous and wiped out. I do generally recover from those moods. Today, fortunatly, he finally did call me back, to pick another fight. The amount of entertainment he seemed to be deriving from the fight indicates to me that he was more enjoying the fight than taking it to heart. So I know he won't disappear suddenly. At least in my brain I know that. In some part of my heart, be it the depressed part or the girl part, I'm a little convinced that this could be the time that he drops our friendship like a plate of waffles with a cockroach on it. This could be the time he leaves me too. Might be time for some counselling.