Dear Diary

April 17 2015

Dear diary
Today was the Great Melt Down. I've been waiting for it to happen. Thought the worrying and slightly ooky feeling was the worst of it. But, no. The worst of it came while I was standing in my office. I had already gotten through one emotional moment, where my emotional-ness was nicely covered by crankiness. I took a step back, realized I was about to rip some poor unsuspecting person's head off, and went and found a quiet place to say a little prayer, asking God to help me find perspective and not take my issues out on the lovely people I work with, and for me to not misdirect my hurt feelings towards them because it made me feel worse. So having redirected my feelings, I proceeded to melt down. And had to go hide again. Okay, didn't HAVE to, but chose to because I don't like to cry in front of people, and how mortifying to melt down at work. Also my friend said something a while ago about how she didn't believe that I don't cry often, which mortified me. So now I have the urge to hide my tears from her whenever possible because she doesn't seem to appreciate me randomly starting to cry in her office. Plus I haven't cried as much lately, having sent the boundaries letter and taken care of that stuff. But I think this is the next wave. This is the part where I have to really start realizing in a more real way that she is fine with not seeing me. That I am not a priority. That her expressions of love were often, if not always, tools to get what she wanted. I have to acknowledge that she is okay with me hurting, and doesn't really have room in her head for thinking about any one's feelings but her own. I have to continually remind myself that I was not a good friend for taking care of her. And if that is true, doesn't that mean that I'm a bad friend? But not being the friend I have been for her feels like abandonment. Only somehow I'm the one getting abandoned. Because I am not worth what I thought I was to her. To coincide with all this loveliness Roomie is still not really speaking to me. I have Hurt her. She is a Victim. I am a Bad Friend. I'm still slightly irritated with her for making herself the Victim in all this instead of actually trying to communicate and feed our friendship and help it grow. But if I'm being honest with myself, I'm also feeling like a horrible friend. For being self-centered enough to back away from her because her codependency issues and her passive-aggressiveness were only hurting me. But I feel like I should have been a better friend. I should have told her. I should have had the guts to tell her that she was hurting me. Even though she wouldn't have heard it. Even though it would have just been another fight. Even though I have tried to in the past. I feel like I'm doing to her what my old BFF did to me. I'm abandoning her. I will say something, of course, and I don't want to end the friendship. But that is how she will view it. I'm a bad friend. I'm losing friends left and right. I found myself having to stop myself from freaking out on my friend today over every small perceived slight I have ever imagined. Then, having stopped myself, I sat crying silently in her office and not letting her in. I feel like she can only be getting incredibly tired of me and my waterworks. She has to be finally realizing how annoying I can be. This is the part where she will set boundaries to keep from getting too close to my drama. That can be the only explanation for her allowing me in her office but not engaging in discussing my feelings. These are the thoughts in my head. She would quite possibly lose patience with me for them and point out the huge flaws in this path of thought. But it was all I could think today, and it felt too pathetic to voice it so she could help me see my erroneous thought pattern. I don't want her to think I'm pathetic. I think she already does. She has no patience for the way I hold onto Red and Roomy, and the guilt and self-flagellation. I feel like I need to address how I'm feeling. I just have a hard time finding the line between self-abuse and feeling your feelings. My close friend who gave me the Codependent No More book is texting me and giving me all kinds of healthy thoughts. Like that I am not rejecting my friends, just their unhealthy behavior, and that I am not saying I won't be their friend, just that I can't subject myself to their toxicness.