~Letters~

-From Jonathan/Sebastian to Max-

Dear Max,
I've never really known you, but I guess you would have been a great shadowhunter.
I've got no right to say this, nor to write this letter, but I wanted to apologise: I won't ask your forgiveness, I, at least, know I don't deserve it.
Who was I to end your life?
Who was I to believe it was for the best?
I don't know.
And now I bet you're in some better place, but it won't ever be better than home. I know that because even though I've never experienced homesickness, I saw that in all of your friends' eyes, little boy.
Instead I'm here, somewhere I'm beginning to get used to, somewhere I'd call Hell: now I am finally home, now I can feel what you all felt before walking through the Institute. I think it feels like peace, but I'm not sure.
So in the end, I am the one who won, don't you agree? I'm here finally feeling like this is the right place for me, and you, away from home, from your parents and family, from your friends.
So how is it that I feel... guilty?
I should be fine, now I'm where I belong to.
Instead I think about how I thought I had the right to take your life. You were so young, damn it.
I guess I'm sorry, I guess because I don't really know how it feels like to be sorry for something. But I truly am, because your brothers lost you, and now I know how it hurts to lose the ones you love.
I'd like to rewind time and never do the things you all hate me for.
You were a brother, weren't you?
Can you tell me how it was like?
Were you happy? Did you love them?
How did you know you loved them?
I hate him, you know. Valentine.
He made me like this, he took all the love left in my soul and threw it away like the piece of garbage I am.
Clary would have loved me, if I weren't the monster I am. And I would have seen her grow up and I would have protected her like the big brother she wanted me to be. I know that, and it is the only thing that brings me peace. I know that she would have loved me, and that's enough.
I hope I suffer all the pain I caused, because now I understand how much I deserve it.
I'm sorry.

Jonathan