CHAOS

JOSEPH

I knew she was asleep when her whole body weight fell into me,
I adjusted her to my side on instinct.

Closing my eyes and setting my head back onto the cold wall. 

I could feel my eyes starting to water.
I tried to stop them, for the hundredth time today.

I felt so fucking weak, every muscle in my body was limp, tired and heavy. 
I was struggling to even get out of bed, and I knew it, and fucking couldn't do anything about it.

The lights outside were brighter, and the small phones were now weirdly big and worked on your fingers' command. The music was shittier, the roads busier and the sound of cars was annoying.

Layla wasn't a timid, young girl anymore. She was a fearless, beautiful woman. And I loved her.

But I shouldn't. 

For the past 12 years, I woke up every day and hated her more every day, but somehow ended up with a small hope that shell come visit. That Timothy would visit, Emily would. But none of them did.

And now they show up, good as ever, with no excuse nor regret. They come back like I was a movie paused, now resuming.

At the same time, I was disgusted at myself for wanting to hate the woman in my arms. I opened my eyes letting the tears fall, and looked at her.

No matter how mature she was, she felt small in my arms, numb. Her touch was almost feather-like, and if I didn't hold her tighter and closer she would disappear into the scent of a flower that had flown miles.

Every breath she took, every blink, every move of hers. 
It made me forget myself, it made all the thoughts in my head disappear, and it made me fall in love with her over and over again. 

Today, I am the weakest I have been, and she's here. 
I want to ask her, I want to scream. There was a weird fire in my core. Rage.

somehow I feel better, the cold nights now are peaceful outside, in warm blankets and hot beverages but I'm still so overwhelmed. 

Overwhelmed about the future
All I want is peace for a while.
I'm not fucking ready to face the world yet.

I want to go home. I have to see my father, my mother. I want to go back to my childhood home. But I can't. 

I sighed, 
Layla started moving more and more. Slowly making herself comfortable, and murmuring gibberish. Her face and ears started going red, and a smile grew on my lips.

God knows what she's dreaming about.