Two Steps Behind

Part 19

 Elizabeth stood, the silence unbearable, seeming to stretch on forever. She wanted to yank her words back. She wished she could reach out and pull them all back into her mouth, never to be spoken out loud, as Eddie paced back and forth, his hands running over his hair. Shit. Why did she keep imploding everything good in her life? Why couldn't she have just pushed this all down and kept her damn mouth shut?

"Jesus H. Christ!" he exclaimed suddenly, stomping one leg and then the other, and she flinched, jumping. "I'm sorry." His voice was softer as he said, "I just...goddamn it! We are both idiots."

"Well, that's comforting," she muttered, wrapping her arms around herself as if she could insulate herself from his next words. "I shouldn't have said all that. Eddie, I'm sorry. If I could take it all back right now, I would. Jesus. My brain is such a messed up place right now and I wasn't thinking. I don't know why I said that."

"Elizabeth, please stop," he pleaded, his tone exasperated. "Stop saying you would take it back. I don't want you to. Please don't take it back. I kissed you because I am in love with you too."

"I know," she huffed, not registering what he said to her after he said stop. "I've always known you didn't feel the same and..." She halted, her eyes gazing into his as the rest of what he said began to process, desperately searching them for a sign that she just heard what she thought she did.

Eddie closed the distance between them, placing his hands on her shoulders, staring down at her. He needed her to hear him. He needed her to know exactly how he felt. He'd never expected her to say those words but now that she has, he could never go back, could never pretend he hadn't heard them, and he needed her to mean them.

"I love you," he spoke again. "I have always loved you and not just in a, she's my best friend, kind of way. Elizabeth, I have been in love with you since we were sixteen years old. You're telling me this and that's why I said we're both idiots. Neither of us have said anything for so long and we should have."

"I didn't want to risk losing you," she murmured, still reeling from his confession. How could this be? Was this really happening right now? "I was scared that if I said it out loud, if I made it real, and you didn't feel the same way, that I was going to lose my person."

"You could never lose me," he whispered, pressing his forehead against hers. "Jesus, I wish you would have told me. So many things could have been different."

Tears quietly fell from her eyes as Elizabeth stood there, the enormity of what he was saying hitting her all at once. She could have had that alternate universe. She could have been happy with Eddie instead of miserable with David. She could have been whole and unbroken. She could have had everything she'd ever dreamed of if she would have just been brave enough to say something. But she wasn't brave. Hadn't she proven that time and again over the last four years as she cowered in corners and tried to run from the darkness that was constantly chasing her?

"But it can't be different," she breathed, pressing her hands against his chest and pushing back from him.

"What?" Eddie asked, confused. "Why not?"

He reached out for her, but she backed away, turning her back on him again. He wished she would stop doing that. Now that he knew that she felt the same, Eddie just wanted to look at her because he finally felt like he didn't have to hide what he's always felt for her. He doesn't have to be so careful to mask his expressions. He could finally just be honest. He wanted her to see everything that he has always felt, everything that he has ever known, written all over his face.

"Eddie, because it isn't," she stated. "I already made the mistakes, and I can't change that. I can't go back and decide to tell you instead of marrying David. What has happened...it's already happened."